Thought I'd get involved with the fanfiction here, here's something I wrote, it's just a start.

It follows the events between MGS2 and MGS4, mainly the work of Philanthropy. I hope someone likes it so far.

“A bloodless coup”
A Metal Gear Solid story

"Terrorism is contempt for human dignity." - Kjell Magne Bondevik


The Manhattan incident changed the world. Governments were lying, and it left a sour taste in the mouths of the public. Ocelot had sold the world arms, but the events at Federal Hall on that day called the world to arms. The Patriots could wait. There were bigger threats to face.

Too many people had seen too many things on April 30th to cover up. With the Patriot’s AI systems reeling, even they couldn’t spread the influenza of information. Metal Gear had been revealed. Metal Gear had been seen in broad daylight. Metal Gear had been seen by Russia.

The Patriots were thrown into turmoil thanks to Snake and Otacon’s work on GW. They should have been feeding a script to the US Government to keep the whole thing under wraps, but they were preoccupied with their own damage limitation. They slipped up. The US Government was left to explain Arsenal and how it had come to dock on the steps of Federal Hall.

They couldn’t get the story straight. Senators claimed weapons development tests involving stealth aircraft carriers, Congressmen claimed Arsenal was a prototype naval training base gone off course and the President; was dead.

His successor flip flopped before conceding that Arsenal was in fact a vessel housing many Metal Gears, capable of nuclear strike. His words echoed around the globe. The START and SALT initiatives were obsolete. The Kremlin shook with fear and fury.

The political balance was already unstable in Russia. The Kremlin faced huge opposition, the economy was in a shambles and poverty had become widespread. Separatists called for the impeachment of Putin, even voices within the Kremlin wanted him out, but it was not to be.

The Manhattan incident sparked action in Russia, the Kremlin saw it as sign that the global temperature was dropping and the atmosphere of the Cold War was once again rearing its ugly head.

But the state of the economy meant they were unable to match the military might of the US. The people demanded action, how would Russia defend itself against the new generation of nuclear threat?

The streets of Moscow were in uproar; their Government could not defend them – despite assurances from the US that they had no intention of aggressive actions. Russians were asking why the US was developing such weapons but without the Patriots pulling the strings; the puppets in Washington did little to ease their worries.

Chechnyan separatist movements swelled with new members, Russian men joined in their droves. Mercenaries, Russian soldiers, doctors and politicians abandoned the Kremlin until the Government was nothing but a grain of sand under the foot of the powerful separatist groups. It wasn’t long before the pressure on the Kremlin caused it to crumble. They simply gave in - and Russia was under mob rule. Russia was ready to stand toe to toe with America.

Where the Kremlin lacked the funds to reinvigorate its military might, the new rulers of Russia already had defence plans under way; thanks to Ocelot and the plans for REX he sold on the black market.

The separatists were organised, responsible and efficient. Even the economy was beginning to recover. They had performed a bloodless coup, and Mother Russia was reaping the benefits – until April 30th 2012.

In an abandoned subway the glow of a cigarette end lit the platform like a laser target. Approaching footsteps were punctuated with the words: “Snake, it’s been a while.” A slither of light illuminated a mane of pearl coloured hair. “Raiden, too long.”

Raiden and Snake had been forced underground, literally in this case. The pair had maintained as little contact as possible after they were connected with the Manhattan incident, Snake was already a wanted terrorist.

“Russia” said Raiden, his voice matured and self assured. “I know” said Snake, “They call themselves the Khrushchev Progeny and they stole a Metal Gear. They aren’t the only ones with a Gear, but they are the only ones who are considering a pre-emptive strike on the US”

“No, they wouldn’t” said Raiden “would they?” “You gave me a reason to fight Snake, I’m going with you.”

Otacon was able to procure the necessary documents and transport to get Snake and Raiden into the Eastern Bloc, but the ride wasn’t easy.

“Who are they Snake? What do they want?”

“The Khrushchev progeny. A small army commanded by Nikolai Reuben, he organised the Metal Gear hijack and he runs the unit. He’s a cold war veteran and former spy; he lost his employment when the cold war ended. Then he started the Khrushchev Progeny.”

“Separatists bought the plans for REX from Ocelot, but according to our intelligence have developed the weapon far beyond what Armstech and DARPA achieved.

“Yesterday the progeny stole Metal Gear. They threaten a pre-emptive strike on Langley in 7 days.”

“Reuben has been biding his time until the day he and his comrades would be valued again, a time when soldiers like him and Big Boss were needed. With the political climate what it is today, he got what he’s been wishing for all these years.”

Raiden was not shocked, there were groups like this already on Philanthropy’s radar but none were powerful enough to be considered a threat such as this.

“The unit has a few hundred men under its direct command and is supported by countless Chechnyan separatists. Six of its highest ranking soldiers organised and executed the hijack yesterday. They are on a par with the best the US has to offer.”

“With Foxhound?” asked Raiden.

“Foxhound couldn’t hold a torch to these guys; remember Foxhound was accountable to the US army. The progeny answer to no-one.”

“The Khrushchev Progeny, a ruthless and murderous militia with increasing support from disillusioned Russians. Their leader Reuben is a tower of a man, at six foot seven he is an intimidating as he is powerful.

A growth defect from birth left his body endowed with unusual powers. His skeleton is said to be twice as thick as the average man’s. People say his rib cage is like a bullet proof vest and is completely impenetrable. His skull is thickened to such a degree that he has survived countless shots to the head. He is, by all accounts, invincible.

Second in command is his right hand man Colonel Stotvic, a survivor of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. Radiation mutated the blood cells in his body so that his wounds heal at an incredible rate, his blood runs thick like tar meaning he doesn’t lose blood on the battlefield and on top of that, he is a formidable marksman.

Next in line are the twins. Dmitri and Mikhail are infiltration experts; they have an inexplicable bond which seems to allow them to know what each other are thinking. They work as a team on the battlefield, one baiting their enemy, the other sneaking close enough to take them out.

The fifth member is known only to us by his codename: Jackal. We have Otacon looking into his background, but at the moment we don’t know what we’re up against.

The final member of the progeny is Ms.Topeil, the daughter of a former Russian Army commander. She seems to have little battle experience and is known primarily as a politician. A former opera singer her over powering voice can bring soldiers to their knees, the sheer volume making their ears bleed and makes them delirious and confused by the sound of her battle cry.

This is your first venture into the writer’s forum? For your very first fic this is surprisingly good. The initial story is quite interesting and kept my attention and left me wanting to read more.
This is not to say it’s without its flaws. I’m replying specifically because I think you could become far better than you are right now. If I didn’t think you had such potential I would not be here. That is why I’m going to be pointing out everything that’s wrong with your story, not because I don’t like it, but because I do.

First is the most obvious, it’s too short to have any kind of leadup. But for that I can’t blame you, I was that way myself when I first began writing. As you write more you will find it easier and easier to extend a plot point to its proper length, so all I can say is, keep writing.

What will surely be the boss characters of the story are quite well thought up and very unique… with the exception of Ms.Topeil, who with her voice is obviously a take off of Gene from MGS 3.
But as good as they are, there are two things in particular I don’t like about them. You played up the preternatural card a bit too much. Yes, MGS bosses are known for having freakish, extraordinary abilities, but for every boss who some sort of superhuman aspect (Psycho Mantis, Vulcan Raven, Vamp, Colonel Volgin), there is another who’s challenge comes from sheer skill (Liquid Snake, Sniper Wolf, The End, The Boss). And I think your bosses should be split evenly between those with extraordinary power and those with extraordinary skill.
Another thing I didn’t like is that you revealed all of them and their abilities at the very beginning. Yes, they did that in MGS1, but I didn’t like it there either. If you noticed, they did things differently in MGS 2 and 3. With each boss you did not know what they could do until they were introduced personally, and that led to far more suspense for their eventual battles than knowing exactly what you’re up against from the start.
One more thing, I already came up with the idea of telepathic twins as a boss for my own fanfic Metal Gear Thunder: The End of Eden. I’m not saying you can’t use yours. By all means do so! I’m just saying I’m going to be using mine despite whatever you say because I came up with it first.

Most important about this message is this.
DO NOT SCRATCH THIS STORY AND START OVER AGAIN!!!
This story you’re writing right now is a learning experience. If you start over from the beginning after only your first few mistakes, than this learning experience will be far less genuine, and far less effective for your growth as a writer.
For your very first story, you have to see through every mistake you make till the very end. In the long run that will make you vastly better than starting over if you feel you made one too many.

Thanks for reading! The extract here is just a short sample, so it would be longer in reality.

I'm removing the twins, reminds me too much of Ursula/Elisa in MPO