This is a fictional Metal Gear Solid story that takes place between MGS2 and MGS4.
As this is my first try as a "writer", feel free to comment and criticize as harshly as you can!

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He had not taken a bath in what felt like forever… during this time, he had been too obsessed with the idea of getting his hands on Ocelot, the man that now made but one, with his twin brother Liquid. He felt as though he could never truly get rid of all the blood, sweat and tears he had shed throughout those many years. Its smell had somehow stained his hands and was now part of him. He was now sporting a beard, which Otacon thought gave him the look of his late father and the fact that in the more recent months he had felt as though he had been aging even more rapidly also affected his appearance and made him look even more so like him, only being an eye-patch short of a perfect copy, which he was more than willing to do without.

As he faced the great Baltic Ocean from atop the giant cliffs of northwestern Russia, Snake was reminiscing all that had happened prior to his arrival here. He had been chasing Ocelot for the past two years… two years that felt like even more, as he felt as though he was constantly one step behind his rival, each and every step of the way. He had now managed, somehow, to get a hold of his location and was now ready to confront him once more and reclaim Olga’s lost child he had been searching for for so long…

As he turned around, he faced what seemed like an old refinery, which felt more like a waste management complex, due to the abnormally deteriorated appearance of most of its affiliated complexes. It had probably been there for ages and who knows what kind of experiments they could have been doing there… the hazardous chemicals signals were not helping it appear any saver either. Nevertheless, one thing was for certain, Ocelot was near here and Snake had every intention to find him.

Metal Gear Solid: Blood Stained Hands

He pans around the area, making sure the coast is clear and then dashes through the open field to reach the eastern side of the main complex. As he catches his breath, he ducks down and contacts Otacon.

Snake: Otacon… can you hear me?
Otacon: Loud and clear Snake.
Snake: I’m at the upper eastern side of the refinery… where do I go from here?
Otacon: Well, Snake… there seems to be an old fire exit about 15 meters down south. I have managed to hack into their main security system, after which disabling the alarm was a piece of cake. Everything’s under control Snake.
Snake: Like I’ve never heard that before…

As Snake sneaks inside the main complex, he immediately spots a duo of guards patrolling in their respective directions, surveying what seems to be a gigantic vehicle hidden underneath a heavy white drape… no doubt this is Metal Gear Ray. As Snake pans around the area, his attention goes atop a small staircase, in a small office, where he sees the silhouette of a man he knows far too well… by the way he swirls his gun around in his right hand, it can’t be anyone but Ocelot. Snake then goes on to hide behind one of the numerous crates piled up in the corner of the room.

Snake: Otacon… it’s Ocelot, he’s here. So is Metal Gear Ray.
Otacon: Good job Snake, I didn’t think it would be this easy…
Snake: But… something seems… off.
Otacon: What are you trying to say Snake?
Snake: I have an odd feeling that they are somehow… expecting me.
Otacon: Snake… what do you intend to do.
Snake: Like I have a choice… I need to find that missing child and right now, Ocelot is my only option in order to discover who or what those Patriots are.
Otacon: I understand Snake… just be careful will you?

Finding his way behind one of the guards, Snake takes out his knife and swiftly grabs him from behind and slices his throat in one clean strike, before quickly dragging his lifeless body in the darkness engulfing the corner of the room. Before the second guard even realizes what is going on, he his shot behind the head by a tranquilizer dart, before meeting the same fate as his comrade. Snake then promptly dashes towards the stairs and climbs them as quietly as the wind, before stopping at the doorstep of the office in which Ocelot seems to be discussing with someone else. As Snake lands an hear…

Ocelot: … when will they be ready?
???????: If everything goes according to plan, no more than 48 hours.
Ocelot: Very well, I shall make the final preparations…

Suddenly, as Snake is distracted by the conversation, a shadow creeps up behind him. As Snake realizes this, it is already too late… as soon as he turns around wielding his knife, he is hit violently on the head and everything goes black.

To be continued…

I’ll give you this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your substance.
I like the dialog and you’ve certainly got suspense down, or at least as much as you can with something so short.

But as much as you’ve got substance perfected, your style leaves something to be desired.
The following sentences are examples.

Now I’m pretty sure this was a typo of some sort because this sentence doesn’t make allot of sense. I can’t tell what it’s supposed to be about.

I’m not entirely sure, but I think this is a triple run-on sentence. You also tended to use strings of descriptors that don’t make allot of sense -even more rapidly also-.

What I did absolutely love about your writing was your use of paragraph breaks and font styles to create something that’s extremely easy on the eyes, and extremely easy to keep track of exactly where in the writing you are.
There are very few script form authors who take physical ease of reading into consideration.

Right now what you really need to focus on is good sentence structure. You already seem to have plot, dialog, and suspense down. And length can only come with experience.


BTW: I'm trying to reinvigorate the writer's forum by leaving as many comments on as many writings as I reasonably can, and making them as thorough as possible. I am looking for people who might be willing to join me in this, what do you say?

Thanks Thunderboss.

I saw your thread in the "Off Topic Chat" section and I agree that this section needs a bit more attention. The critiques may be presented out of respect, rather than out of interest, but its better than no critiques at all. I'll do my best to do so myself, when I get the time. For now, here's the second part of my story, hoping that its somewhat better than the first one...

BTW, to tell you the truth... I'm french. English is but my second language, which is why some of the things I say may not make much sense. As much as I am sorry for that, for the time being, you might have to just bare with me on this.

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Confused and light-headed, Snake slowly opens his eyes… still feeling some pain from the hit he had received earlier on. As he looks around the area, he quickly realizes that he is no longer in the complex where he previously was… he is now in a small room filled with old crates and barrels labelled with all kinds of signs. As his vision begins to clear up, he spots a shadowy figure sitting on one of the crates…and as Snake reaches his side to grab his gun, he quickly realizes that it is no longer there.

???????: … looking for this?

As a deep voice emanates from the corner of the room where the shadow lurks, Snake looks back up and sees that his weapon is now laying on the ground right beside the silhouette that had caught his attention.

Snake: Who are you?
???????: A man… with a past he would rather forget.
Snake: That doesn’t tell me who you are… or what you want for that matter.
???????: My name is… Lazy Noon.
Snake: Lazy Noon? What kind of codename is that?
Lazy Noon: One that bares a strong significance to my past…
Snake: I see… and what do you want from me?
Lazy Noon: The question should be what do YOU want.
Snake: I’m afraid I can’t tell you…
Lazy Noon: Very well, I simply had to ask… before I ended your life.

As Lazy Noon begins to walk towards Snake, he passes by a small window on his left side and as the light from the outside peeks in, it passes by his body as if resenting it… leaving him in the shadow of his own darkness. That was his curse… that is what his affliction was. Ever since “that fateful day”, it was as if light itself had turned its back on him for his deeds and had deemed him unworthy of its touch. With time, Lazy Noon had learned to accept his fate and had now embraced the darkness that surrounded him and had found a way to use it to his own advantage… being able to use this obscurity to disappear in the blink of an eye, travelling through the shadows in order to reach his victims undetected.

While the man rejected by light was advancing towards his opponent, he didn’t know he was being analysed from head to toe by the man he thought was nothing more than a common spy. Due to his numerous previous battles, Snake had learned to never underestimate any of his foes and always took the time to understand exactly what they were all about before making any hasty moves.

Snake’s analysis:
The man walking in his direction was in his late 30s and seemed to be from German origin, which came as a surprise, since he was wearing a dark blue kimono. The top part of which was opened, flowing in the air of the room, revealing a huge tattoo on his chest of a tiger fighting a dragon that seemed to span across his back as well… his hair was long and black, attached in the back, in a ponytail type of way. He bared some small scars on his left forearm and by the way his hand was positioned, it was clear he was left handed. He also had a katana attached to his belt on the right side of his body and was also wearing sandals to complete his Japanese look. Being around 5’10’’ and weighing about 190 pounds, Snake was still surprised to see how effortlessly he seemed to be walking… as if he were walking on air. His “powers” could prove to be troublesome, especially considering the fact that Snake no longer had his main weapon to defend himself.

Lazy Noon was now approximately 5 meters away from Snake when he suddenly vanished into thin air… Sensing trouble, Snake skilfully plunged forward, barely avoiding the swift cut of a blade that came from behind him. Lazy Noon had teleported himself through the shadows and had reappeared behind Snake, in the hope of ending this fight before it even started. Snake took the opportunity to make a run for his gun that was still at the other side of the room. Unfortunately, as he came within millimetres of it, Lazy Noon engulfed it into his own obscurity. It was now time to use plan B, whatever that was.

Snake knew no matter where he tried to hide, Lazy Noon would always be able to get a hold of him from any possible angle. For the time being, his best bet was to stay active and never stop moving, while staying on his guard. As he ducks behind boxes to try to go around the room, he is promptly greeted by a round house kick in the stomach from an almost invisible Lazy Noon, hidden in the wall. Surprised, Snake is violently projected into a pile of crates, which once destroyed by his weight, reveal a large amount of TNT that not only represent a new weapon… but also his plan B.

Snake reaches out and grabs 2 sticks of dynamite before spotting Lazy Noon charging him at full speed. He then gets up on his feet and barely dodges the attack, feeling the sting of his opponent’s blade on his right leg. As he is turning around, he’s once again meet by the swift blade of his rival, managing to avoid most of the blow by bending backwards, getting a cut on his chin only. Before Lazy Noon has the chance to make another move, Snake reaches in his back pocket and takes out his lighter to light up the TNT. Lazy Noon suddenly backs up when he sees this and hastily disappears into the ground. With all his might, Snake then throws the TNT across the room, through the small window, before an explosion is felt that sends the window’s glass flying into millions of tiny shards of light and leaves the walls shaking. This was the perfect diversion, as Snake now senses once more that his enemy is preparing an attack on him… and as he waits patiently, he can feel in his body the air moving around him that allows him to sense where Lazy Noon is and as soon as the time is right, he turns around and his fist lands directly in the face of his adversary. By the time Lazy Noon understands what just happened, Snake is already gone and a present has been left at his feet… the second stick of dynamite. Before he even gets a chance to react, he is projected into the air by the second explosion.

As Snake cautiously makes his way back to the explosion site, he notices the almost lifeless body of Lazy Noon lying down a few meters farther. As he closes in on him, he quickly realizes that he is no longer in a state to be fighting. The explosion ravaged almost his entire body and he may no longer have much time left… alive. Snake then slowly kneels beside him.

Lazy Noon: I guess I… underestimated you.
Snake: It’s something I have learned not to do.
Lazy Noon: Evidently… the better man… won.
Snake: Tell me, Lazy Noon… what does it stand for?
* Lazy Noon coughs up blood.
Lazy Noon: … fourteen years ago. Times… were hard. I barely had any money to eat… had nothing to live for. Eventually, I turned to crime… going as far as kill for money. Until one day… that fateful day… when I was asked to kill a man… and his family. As night came, I sneaked into his house… and took care of the target. As I checked the house… I found hidden in a room… his children… his 4 children.
Snake: You killed them.
Lazy Noon: … all four of them. Afterwards, as I stared at the rising sun from the rooftop of their house… waiting for the sun’s warm touch to comfort me… it never came. As noon eventually came… still nothing. I used to kid myself into believing it was… simply being lazy, but I knew it was in fact… resenting me. I used “Lazy Noon” in order to be able to… at least live with myself, but I was only… living a lie.

As Lazy Noon watches the sun go down through the broken window, he closes his eyes and slowly slips away, hoping he had somehow made amends and earned the sun’s forgiveness for the horrible deeds he had committed.

To be continue…

This is indeed better than the last post.

About my previous issues with your grammar problems. I'm sorry for saying that. You might say It's perfectly okay to do so and even encourage me, but I don't think I have the right given that I don't even have a seccond language.

There is one slight thing I didn't like here. That was the nature and explenation of Lazy Noon's power. In storytelling, there is a distinct step between supernatural and magic. While Metal Gear does contain supernatural elements, it does not contain magic.

But having said all that, it seems you have a kind of talent. You can come up with great ideas, and truly interesting ones.
But what you lack is the judgement and experience to properly develop these ideas and to instinctively judge good ones from bad ones. Don't take this as discouragement, if anything it should be the opposite.

I think namely the very biggest thing you need to work on is length. Introducing the story, and then starting and concluding the first boss fight in all of three pages is just not enough.

But whatever you do, DON'T quit this. No matter how aweful it might or might not become, do not quit this topic.
The reason is that this is not truly a story, and as such I don't think it can be critiqued as a story. Rather, this is a learning experience.

wow this is realy good stuff i love it keep it up

Yeah, I think it was ok. Keep on writing it.

My man, I don't know what to say, other then that was simply brilliant.

Your definition behind Lazy Noon's codename is not only MGSish, but a brilliant piece. His back story makes you definitely feel no sorrow for him, but still able to respect him as a character. Grammer improved tremendously in this post then in your previous, I'm sorry I wasn't able to post you on that, had other things I had to take care of first.

It's definitely seen in MGS history, Snake does take an interest in the lives of his enemies, whether or not he asks for it like with Sniper Wolf, or how he just listens like he did with Mantis and Raven, and I think you fitted that very well with Noon on his death bed.

However, there were a few issues I'd like to address, although they are very minor.

I'm not sure if this is correct or not, but generally, grammer wise, if you start a sentence with ....the first letter should still be capitalized. Also, the use of the .... can sometimes be overused, as such, sometimes it's best to simply replace them with commas. For example when Snake says, "That doesn't tell me who you are....or what you want for that matter." I think a comma is best used in this case, but I digress, and that's just me.

Still, I am in awe with how well this boss fight went, and look forward to reading onto more of your story bud. Keep it up, things are getting interesting. :thumb:

Thanks a lot for the comments BigK.
I know I tend to use "..." a lot when I'm writing. I use it whenever I feel there should be a pause of some sort, but I know that's not always right. In all honesty, I wasn't really planning on continuing this story, even though I have it partially layed out in my head... as I tend to feel that I lose part of what I want to say when I put it in writing. To me, it's always better when it's in my head, with images and emotions I can change more easily. I've actually invented 3 Metal Gear Solid stories, this one being the second one (First one I've tried to put in writing).

The more I think about it, the more I want to "try" to write at least one... properly. Still, I feel as though I should restart this one from the beginning, in order to get it "exactly like I want", which isn't the case right now. I'm an eternal perfectionnist and it probably never will be good enough for me, but that's something I have to deal with.

Then you should propably write it through with microsoft word (or similiar) and when you're happy with it, post it here.

^ That's actually what I've been doing! :lol:

The problem with me is not only grammar-wise, but just visual-wise. I don't really like what I'm reading once I'm done writing it. I just feel as though I can never really be satisfied with what I have done... you know the feeling?

Thanks for trying to help Muikuli.

I actually recommend making an outline. See where you stand, and instead of restarting your entire story, edit your posts. That's exactly what I'll be doing with Ground Zero. That way your story is more organized. Because if you jump from topic to topic of the same story, *unless you do a complete revision or reformatting* people may lose interest. But apart from gramer mistakes here and there, I think you realy have something going here. :thumb: