DISCLAIMER: I didn't intend to write so much.. so you can check out the last few paragraphs if you want to get the general idea of what I'm trying to get across in all this.

Alright, it all starts about a little over a year ago from now. I'm not happy at all with my life, every day is dull as fuck and just blends into the next.. nothing sets any particular day apart from the last. I'm not suicidal at this point, but I'm thinking about death fairly often and sort of anticipating it. That's when I meet Sierra and she's unlike any other girl that I had previously come across, and I'm ready for my first serious relationship. Things are good for the first couple of months and I've never been happier. Needless to say, life turns around completely for me.. or at least that's how I interpreted things.

I don't want to go too much into details, because it's really complex as fuck.. all the problems and events that followed those good months with Sierra and led me into the bad months. There was much more bad than good with her. For like the final five months, things were terrible, but I found myself falling deeper in love and constantly trying to get her to feel the same way. She quite literally became the most important thing to me, and the only opinion that mattered (friends and family, for example, mattered less), but I suppose the clingy behavior (along with a lot of other bullshit issues) really just pushed her away.

And so we had a pretty harsh break up on the last day of school before summer break. I can't even describe where my head was around this time.. I felt like life had kinda stood still for me. My grades near the end of the school year turned to shit because I could never work, I had hurt myself on too many occasions to count because of all the emotional stress I was experiencing, I became a fucking wreck in retrospect. I wanted to die a lot of times and if not for certain friends and my close family, I imagine I would have done it.. my mind was too jumbled to consider too many consequences, some days I would lose control and just tear away at my skin with whatever I could find, I needed help really.

Luckily for me, we broke up on the last day of school, and this meant that I had an entire three months of summer break to move on. Now, before this summer, I would only drink alcohol occasionally and that was it. I had never even smoked a cigarette since Sierra was against smoking and drugs of any sort, but the very first weekend of that summer I drank myself silly at a friend's party and smoked three cigarettes one after the other, and I was happy, even though I had just broken up with the girl that was everything to me. I sort of decided that night that friends and parties would get me through the break up and able to move on..

So the whole summer I attended parties and small gatherings with friends, and I would drink and smoke cigs occasionally.. Sierra was very much against pot for some reason, so I smoked weed a lot too. It was a really fun summer and a bit out of control I guess. I would always tell myself that I'd stick to weed and alcohol only, but sometimes I'd be so fucked up that I'd take whatever pills anyone would give me. Some nights I imagine I would have even done crack, I mean.. I was really caring and thinking less all the time. And I dreaded returning to school..

So anyways, the summer was over and there I was at school once again, and I had hoped that me and Sierra would be friends.. but that isn't quite how it worked out. We didn't talk at all and it hurt to see her happy without me, so I tried my best to appear happy and all that shit so that maybe she'd be more interested in talking to me again. While pretending to enjoy my time at school, I met Katelyn.. and she reminded me of Sierra a lot, only with better qualities.. a lot of stuff that I felt Sierra lacked, Katelyn had. So I was happy when I found out that she liked me too.

I remember that it was on September 11th that me and Katelyn got together, and she acted as if she was really into me. Her ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me on a number of occasions around this time, and although I'm not in the least bit a fighter, I wouldn't back down. I felt myself feeling less for Sierra every time that I was with Katelyn and I didn't want to lose that.. and the things that Katelyn would say to me, and the way she'd talk.. it made me feel on top of the world again. She was nicer than Sierra was and more interested in me too. But still I was afraid to fall in love because of my last experience.

About two months into the relationship, which was a few weeks ago really.. I realized things seemed different with Katelyn. By this time I had become very fond of her and I wanted to tell her that I loved her, 'cause I hoped maybe that would advance things.. and I really kept feeling more strongly about her all the time and I was finally over Sierra completely, it was amazing. But then a few days later on Wednesday, she broke up with me with little reason to it.. she said she didn't know why, but she no longer wanted a boyfriend. And fuck.. I was so confused. Things were going so well.

The next two days were very difficult since Katelyn happens to sit beside me in first period. No words were said, and she carried on like she wasn't bothered, it hurt me a lot.. so both of those days, I went to my connection on prescription pills and got whatever I could. It was nice, and I finally knew what it felt like to be comfortably numb, I guess you could say. I'm so used to feeling these sharp pains in the pit of my stomach over this stuff. Thanksgiving break was the week after this, so I spent most of that time smoking weed and drinking with close friends, and it would get my mind off of things.. I'd laugh and forget about Katelyn and school.

But the break went by very quickly and that brings me to this past week of school. Saturday and Sunday, I talked to Katelyn online and things seemed to be okay.. we were going to try out being friends and I was happy about it. Monday went by like those other two days though, and no words were said.. once again she didn't seem bothered. My day was fucked from the start for some reason, it hurt me that bad.. so I talked to her that night and we decided that we'd talk to each other the next day, and that's how it would be.

We talked in first block and all seemed well, and she flirted with me a whole fucking lot. More than ever, I felt like, and it gave me hope.. maybe she still liked me? Anyways, I was really happy about it and the next day was pretty much the same, though her friend stopped her at one point and said something like "You shouldn't be flirting, you guys just broke up you know". That confused me and kinda pissed me off, because I didn't understand her intentions for saying something like that. But it didn't ruin my mood, and later that day in third period I tried a new pill that I'd never done before: Adderall. Which is basically happiness in a tablet.

I remember remarking to a friend that I had never been so happy. Everything was going my way. Katelyn certainly seemed like she still liked me, and I felt as if I had fallen in love with her.. she'd give me butterflies when things were well and make me feel ill when things were bad, so yeah. And that pill was just great. So, fourth block rolls around and I'm in the best of moods.. I have class with her friend that stopped Katelyn in first block, so I asked her why she did it. And that's when my heart pretty much dropped.

She told me that Katelyn has been flirting with every guy she comes across ever since she broke up with me.. and one of them happens to be Lee, one of my good friends. Somehow that didn't completely kill my mood, I guess the pill was just that strong, but it hit me very hard later as I was coming down. I think it literally made me sick, so I decided not to go to school the next day, which was yesterday. The day went by slowly with my mood not getting any better. Then I got even worse news later that night: Katelyn missed the bus on purpose so that she could talk to Lee and they made out and ah, I lost it when I heard this..

I've never felt quite like I did last night.. I just kept pacing, I could tell that my breathing and heart rate was odd, but I couldn't calm myself down with all the thoughts racing through my mind.. I felt like punching holes in the wall and jumping off of a tall building. It's funny how she came online a few minutes later and try to start a conversation.. so I pretty much lost it on her and explained how I felt and why I felt that way, and how she'd fucked things up very badly for me. It didn't phase her for some reason, she just kept saying "Don't be mad at Lee, it's not his fault". WHAT THE FUCK.

So I missed another day of school, I didn't go today.. I took a lot of NyQuil last night and still didn't fall asleep until about two hours after taking it. I don't know what to do about this situation. Until the end of this semester, I'm fucked. I missed out on about three fucking HUGE assignments in first block that I'm not going to be able to make up; even if I did go, I wouldn't have been able to focus and do them. Katelyn still sits at my table in first block, there's no way around that. Lee happens to be the main person I talk to in third block and due to seating arrangements, he sits right in front of me.. can't get around that. Monday is going to be very hard for me.. I hate to even think about it. I just don't know what to do.

There's something wrong with me.. being in love and in a relationship is when I'm the happiest, but it's also when I'm the most depressed and suicidal. I realize it's time to take a break, because otherwise girls will be the end of me. I can see how silly it is, getting as upset as I do, but I still can't help the way I feel. I'm a fucked up mess I suppose, I can't get past it for some reason, and it's so difficult for me to just move on from Katelyn and all that has happened..

Drugs also make me happy, but for fucks sake I don't want addicted to anything. I've done so many uppers and downers, and they're all so good and it's like the only way I can ease this ongoing emotional stress, but I know I can't depend on them like I have been. Keeping it at an occasional rate has done well for me and this is a time when I'm more desperate than ever for happiness.. I need some other way of finding happiness. I need to be happy right now, at least until after the new year when the new semester comes.. then I don't have to deal with Katelyn and Lee as much and things will get easier I'm sure.. but for now I need something besides drugs.

So basically I need to be happy for the sake of my sanity without relying on drugs and relationships, and I need to do something soon.. these next couple of weeks are going to be very difficult. It's easier said than done when it comes to moving on for me.. any suggestions and comments would be nice and help.. thanks in advance, and I apologize for typing so much.

I have to say that I can't really help you simply, cause I have hardly any real experience with life. I'm only 16 so..

I just wish you can get over those things, cause you're really not that fucked up. You just have to get over that shit and move on. Maybe try to end using the drugs for a while could do good? ...Hell, I don't know, but I wish you good luck.

See a phsyciatrist or counselor.

You've told me a lot of this shit before, so I already know how you feel about a lot of this.

About the best friend situation though, the girl I've liked for nigh on two years now spent eight months with my best friend, that was tough, but I just pretended that it didn't phase me, and in the end, it didn't. They were going nowhere, and sometimes I was the one who kept their "relationship" (I use that word sparingly when referring to their little agreement) going. This thing with Katelyn and your friend doesn't mean shit to either of them, so when you look at it like that, it usually doesn't mean shit to you either. And that period of nonchalance will probably help you get through the emotional trouble. But I wish you luck anyway, Jason, do whatever you feel you have to. Spontaneous and indiscriminate flirting should help ease the pain too, but for fucks sake, don't go falling for any more women for a while, haha.

Stick to the drugs. Life sucks just as much without relationship trouble.

Yeah I have a friend who has the same problem... She thinks relationships will keep her happy... But anyway... I've never really been in a relationship that ended well, to get out of relying on relationships I picked up on several hobbies, mostly artistic crap to burn out my emotions and some historical crap to learn... Just find something you love ,besides drugs and people, and just work at it, make that hobby your life... It's helped me and I'm trying to convince my friend that it'll help her too...

Jeez, I'm sorry. The only advice I can give you is to stay the hell away from drugs, (They can do alot of damage when you are in a bad emotional state.) and to keep you're mind and body busy so you can't feed on you're feelings.

I'm also going in very bad time in my life, much similar to yours, and the above advice has helped me out alot! :D

Best of luck to you.

-Poopeh

Much thanks to everyone that has replied and read the original post.. I'm actually feeling better today. I guess I realized that there's much more bad than good when it comes to her, and this separation is for the best really. But of course, tomorrow morning could change everything. I guess it all depends on how first block goes. She's gonna be sitting right in front of me and we're not going to be saying a word to one another, I'm sure of it.. I just hope I can handle it.

And it's not so much that I miss talking to her and hope that we can continue to communicate, because it's not like that at all anymore.. I'm at the point where I'd much rather not have to deal with her at all. I'd prefer transferring classes, for example, than me and her talking once again. I just know it's never going to be the same now.. and I can't help but feel hurt and angry at her.

But yeah, right now I'm basically hoping that I can ignore her successfully so that I can do my work and not be bothered by her presence.. that's really all I can do when I think about it. And as for the drugs, I've realized it's not worth it.. being addicted and wasting my money over her, there's more to life in the coming months and so on. It doesn't mean that I'll cease my use of drugs completely, but I am not about to increase my usage to deal with stress over her and school.

Bah. How old are you mate? I've been through this exact same situation. Aswell as all the drugs, cigerattes and alcohol I found bouncing off girls for mindless sex works really well. I haven't had a proper relationship in about a year and a half but I have sex quite often, sometimes with the same girl without getting emotionally involved. Getting on the rebound with someone after a girl you fell for dumps you is one of the best things to do, as long as you're not hurting the girl you're on the rebound with. Plus enjoying the drugs and shit along the way is a big part of it - cause you aint going to have time for that shit when you're older.

I hate using the cliche "i know how you feel" bullshit but, i do, ive gone through and am still going through the results of girls being bitches and then having your schoolwork falling behind as a result of being depressed and really just not giving a shit.

With drugs, the that really sharp hurt feeling you get in the pit of your stomache can go away or awile but does come back. I smoked pot before i had my problems with girls, but smoking it did help. Ask for adderal? ive only snorted it never just takin it how your supposed too. But don't take the idea from me, if you do drink alot its not good to snort adderal then drink.

Back to the topic at hand though, try more to hang out with your friends and do what seems normal to you, and i know "normal" may be being with the person you love but im sorry to say thats just how it can't be. When a girl breaks up with you its pretty much done and over with, I keep waking up everyday and thinking my ex is going to fall back in love with but people like you and i have figured out by now that thats not going to happen.

All i can really say is hold your head up man, things will get better, i am just starting to get better and not feel depressed all the time and you will too

Good luck!, Metalmalitia

It's kinda the same with my girlfriend, she is the only one that matters, she is the one and everything else comes second to her. But while I'm happy with her, I do occansionally break down and blame myself for things when I shouldn't, sometimes I feel so shit compared to her and that she needs someone better. While in this down phase I just try to ignore it I have never resorted to exessive drinking or drugs. Maybe I didn't have it as bad as you did, I don't know.

But what I do know is that if I was not with her I would feel so shit for ages. I enjoy waking up with someone, someone you can talk to about anything, to laugh with etc etc. But when something happens thats brings one of you down it's not so great but once you get out of it it's amazing again. Hopefully once your married you won't have this kinda crap anymore :P

And sorry to hear about your friend. I would feel a stab of annoyence and upset if I saw one of my best mates with 'the girl to be'. It's a natural feeling but just blow some shit up on the computer or watch a good film then you will be ok. Hopefully anyway :)