the sitter

sitting in the darkness no one can see
how lonely a person may be
the stifiling heat of the horible blackness
makes her realy feel truely mirthless
some want try to help
but against the the shadow
they're only a whelp
some try harder and for a while she's free
then she starts to feel as if she's only a flea
and so darkness consumes her
and she gives into fear

not the best in the world but moast definatly better than some *caugh* walkin *caugh*

I didn't want emo.

First off, you have grammar/spelling/idiot errors all over the place. Just because you're writing a poem doesn't mean you can nullify the English language.
stifling*
horrible*
really*
truly*

First line could be misinterpreted in that people would assume they can't see the darkness as oppose to the lonely person who is apparently in the darkness. S'wrong even if it's obvious. Plus the sheer banality of it makes me want to drop-kick an old woman into a wheelie bin.

Don't use 'really' like that. Just sounds entirely incorrect, especially in poetry. That line would be acceptable without that in.

'some want try to help' does not make sense at all and not sure what's going on with the whelp shit but I can't really be arsed analysing.

But shit, she starts to feel as if she's a flea in the next few lines. Within poetry you should be setting some kind of atmosphere or specific emotion. A simile comparing her to a flea seemed entirely inappropriate even if it makes logical sense. Just like if it had read:
'some try harder and for a while she's free
until that burning sensation when she takes a pee'
Inappropriate.

'darkness consumes her', oh no. 'and she gives into fear', cliffhanger? One that I don't care much for. Plus if you were meant to make that rhyme, it doesn't.

Much emo, much cliché. Nothing original and not much to get out of reading it. Fix up the English, the style, the originality, the format, the words, the letters, your keyboard, your shift/caps lock key, the title and my lost time writing this post.

Positive note, Refluxe, damnit. Keep trying, you can do it!

Oh yeah...I mean, I thought it was fine. Kinda liked it really...except like Flux said the grammatical errors make it wearing...so if you fix that, then...

don't worry guys i'll admit i didn't put 100% in this i'll show you something better once i get into it thanks for the help by the way i'll definatly add more to it and improve the quality

EDIT: okay guys how about this still not much better but think of a person on a death bed and you'll understand it better.

Sitting in the darkness
Where no one outside can see
How tormented a person may be
Her being is sad
all poke and pry
But try as they might
She continues to cry
Everyone wants, tries to help
But compared to this darkness
They’re only a whelp
Some try harder than others
And for a time she is free
But soon she starts to feel
As insignificant as a flea
And so she falls back into darkness
Swallowed by grief and fear
Soon the darkness creeps closer
Invading the body
And into her lungs
Pours muck and mire
Breathing’s a chore
Whilst Darkness attacks her core
Her mind grows fuzzy
And soon she forgets
All of her worldly regrets
The pain begins to ware off
And breathing isn’t so hard
Because she has stopped

Fuck, to think that I've only been gone two weeks.

*takes in a deep breath*

Let's begin.

Yeah, that's the point of darkness.

Yawn, emo poem for all.

Blackness is not horrible. Fuck you, racist.
(That was sarcastic, but the line's still bleh).

Does it? Realy? Truely?

What's 'try to help'? I want one.

Against THE the shadow? Is 'the shadow' a species of something?

Why a whelp? Could it be that they are a whelp simply because it rhymed?

Aw. Good for her, casting off those pesky chains of oppression.

Why, was she vacationing in a dog's coat?

Wow, that line sounds familiar. Oh yeah, it's from that famous Edgar Allen Poe work, 'Every emo poem ever'.

-------------------

*Another deep breath*

Holy shit, it's another emo poem. Colour me unriveted.

Again, that's the point of darkness.

By what? Is there someone in there teasing her?

This was not in the slightest a really pretentious way of saying 'she is sad'. No sir. Not at all. Nuh-uh.

Perverts.

Oh noes, their plans fail!

Wait, they tried to make her feel better by poking her? Strange perverts.

Everyone wants 'tries to help'? Is this a different flavour of 'try to help', that you mentioned in the previous poem? I want both.

TEH DARKNESS IS OMEGA!

Again with the whelpishness? Why?

Is it like a 'lil contest?

Again losing the oppressive shackles. Let's hope she keeps them off this-

Aw damn, spoke too soon.

Can't she fall into a ditch or something instead?

They have mouths?

Damn it's pesky limbs!

Pervert.

Mmm, lung sex. Breathy.

Alliteration makes me horny baby.

I should think so, she's getting lung-fucked.

Wait, did you just completely alter your meter and rhyme?

Yup, you did.

Poor bitch. Give her a break, man. You're a sadist writer.

Did she leave the iron on?

Well, at least it didn't wear off, eh?

Oh, is she not getting lung-fucked any more?

Must've been a violent lung-fucking.

Damn... comedy gold JCC.

Although I don't think it's quite on the same level as angel_in_the_dark poems.

A bit off-topic, but "The best thread ever on MGSF TRULY is the best one ever!"

Wow, nice one JCC. Didn't expect to laugh when I opened this topic agian. :lmao:

Not to mar what tsuchinoko finder was doing though I hope. Twas funny. Like Muikuli said, not as good as angel_in_the_dark poems but funny none the less.

:lmao: once again jcc has completely mauled another attempted emo poem...in the funniest way ever. :lmao:

alright now do you all wanna know whats really funny? this is all true this poem was ment to simbolize my aunt on her death bed

this is talking about how rapt with pain that she was. but she never let anyone know about it and it ate her up inside.

all poke and pry is us the rest of the family trying to get it out of her that she has a terminal illness but she would never admit it or go to the doctor

now here we have discoovered her illness and we're trying to help her but it's so fargone now we can't do anything about it hence the "Whelp"

this seems to be where everyone hates the most on this poem here we actualy found someone who could help her she was getting better...but she had a low tolorence to pain and she didn't want to do the treatment anymore

this is where she becomes hospitalized her illnes went south really quick

this is what ultimatly kills her she had surgrey to remove well... they didn't want me to say it but hell she had thyroid cancer and after the surgry she got pnemonia hence pours muck and mire fluid in the lungs

again more enphasis on the pnemonia "her mind goes fuzzy" if you have never been around a person who is going to die then you won't understand. but she began to forget things...like our names what month it was where she was. and when she was herself... it was like every conversation was with a person who was forgiving and asked for forgivness

this of course is where she died i remember asking her i she was in pain but most of the time i got a no. i was with her when she died... it's an expieriance i didn't enjoy but i'm glad i've got it

for all of you who made some... whats the word uh undesireable comments i don't have any ill will towards you i did take this a little light heartidly anyway when i put it down. but a bit of advice try looking outside the box try to find meaning other than whats in the text you'll find that literature in genral will become more facinating. in short... yall is narrow minded

Hhhmmm....very interesting. I don't apologize as I merely laughed at JCC's comments, not in direct action towards your poem. But as to your Aunt, I am very extremely sorry for your loss.

Good of you to take it so well I suppose.

nor am i asking for apology i meerly just wanted to see others reaction oh and thanks