Just a little something I'd like to discuss without having to deal with the peer judgement issue.

I think I'm clinically depressed, and with good reason. When I was between my junior and senior years, maybe sophomore and junior, I went to the local college for a psych evaluation, determined to find out if I had ADD or some shit. At any rate, the results stated I had mild depression and marijuana abuse. I think this, in particular, was determined by a test I had to answer honestly and the evaluations I had with examiners or whatever.

Now, the test was some of those "always-sometimes-rarely-never" tests, which are shit. So, basically, I put down that I "sometimes" smoked pot, and I think that clouded my results. We're talking, maybe every weekend smoker at this point. Nothing habitual, and it's supposed to make me a "marijuana abuser." Bullshit.

At this point in my life, I self-medicate. I smoke a lot of weed. I could go on my whole life smoking weed and not have a fucking issue with it, except for the fact that I just don't have the money. I don't make enough to support the habit I want, and I feel a bit vulnerable without marijuana. Life is just easier to deal with.

There's different key reasons why I smoke now. I smoke in the mornings for an appetite so I'm not hungry during work. I smoke before class so I can actually sit through it. There's also the stress and relaxation period, as I smoke through both. I had to smoke before speech class so I could breathe while I was presenting. I smoke throughout the day just because. I have an abnormal sleep pattern, and I will lay awake in bed all night if I don't smoke before I lay down, which I can't do because of my morning shifts. Smoking makes it easier for me to focus on tasks, and will usually help me enjoy it.

The big one is how I focus and dwell on things. Before I go to bed, the most recurring "thing" is oblivion. (Oh yes, atheism bites me in the ass.) I will dwell on oblivion to nearly to (or to) the point of tears, and it will keep me up for hours. Other things, like embarrassing moments, somebody that pissed me off, anticipation of something that's coming up, just thinking about certain things in general, it keeps me awake. Some things give me that "I literally could die" feeling, like I literally feel things are almost embarrassing enough to commit suicide. The thought of oblivion creates an unexplainable physical reaction. I can't see how it'd be a normal phobia-- some people will shit themselves and cry if they see a bee, but they don't lay awake at night thinking of them.

In general, I'm an unhappy person. I think my emotional reaction to situation is often abnormal, which I can see in relationships with co-workers and friends and family, and I think it goes beyond simple pessimism. It's becoming increasingly harder for me to give a fuck about anything, which is counter-productive because I'm at a point in life where I need to be pretty serious about shit. Weed makes me happy enough to make it through without the emotional difficulty.

I don't think normal people deal with shit like that, but I don't know. I'm almost afraid to say I'm different for the average person because I don't know what the average person goes through. I wouldn't say I'm psychologically average, though. I think I'm using marijuana to deal with pre-existing issues that haven't been dealt with.

I don't have a problem with smoking weed, but I don't want to feel like I have to have it to deal with my emotions. I don't really deal with a lot of my emotions; I just get high. I'm almost afraid to deal with shit sober anymore, and I don't think I should have to deal with the shit.

So, basically, I'm scheduling a doctor visit when I get paid.

That really is some deep and depressing stuff man, sometimes I have the same thoughts as I go to bed and it keeps me up late at night, thinking about previous major mistakes in my life, things that I could have done or said but never had the chance to as well as embarrassing moments that all literally make me want to run head first into and extruding nail in the wall. I can't say I completely understand everything but I could somewhat relate to you.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with problems.
The fact that you're smoking weed all the time isn't so bad,
But the feeling that you're giving less and less of a damn is where it all falls down.
Everybody thinks of bad stuff that happened to them when they go to sleep,I used to be like that,until I stopped giving a fuck.
Now,when I sleep,I go to ''nothingness'. I don't even dream often,
I feel like I'm as neutral as a ghost. Some people may not even care about that,some may get very pissed off and do stupid things. I really don't know which kind of people I am.
In any case,go to your shrink if you wish,but I've found those people useless.
If one can't find a way to deal with his problems alone,then they will not have an easy life.
Because all people want is they're own way. Not caring on bit about others. Should you be like that? It's all up to you. One person can't make a difference,but you can try.
Sorry for turning it mostly into a confession about myself.

To hell with the average person. They ain't you so sod em.

A very good friend of mine gave me a spookily similar account of a part of his life. He was heavy on the weed, occasionally did shroom's, even developed a taste for OTC medication at one stage - not because he was hooked, but because he liked to. He used to light up at home, before school, after school, before exams, after exams and so on. You know what he said? "I'm glad I stopped when I did". Had it not been for some heavy personal shit at home that pushed him over the edge so to speak, he'd probably still be smoking. But in all honesty, his 'habits' didn't help his situation much at all. He told me when he stop he realised it was actually making his life so much more difficult. Thing is though, many aren't so lucky (relatively speaking), they don't have that slap round the face that makes you look at yourself and ask yourself the question.

I don't think there is a great deal wrong in smoking weed, but he agrees the rot sets in when you begin to believe that it's an integral part of your life. That's the biggest problem, and unfortunately often comes hand in hand with most if not all drugs. Try and phase it out, the first step is cutting down. Once you've stopped you'll realise how much you don't need it.

It's quite disconcerting how similar your situation is. Do something dude, you have time yet.

All I can say is that it's really encouraging that you've realized that you've taken things too far, so to speak, and that you're getting help.

Also, to all future posters, I think it's pretty clear that Jaron knows and has admitted to what his problems are (this is the confessions forum), so don't waste everyone's time telling him he's got a problem.

My post was intended as advice rather than reproval. Just giving an account of my friend's experiences and to an extent, my own.

I can really relate to some of the things you're talking about here, Orion; the whole psychological distress issue I get, and I feel your pain. I must think to myself around thirty times a day that life just isn't worth it. It is this dissatisfaction towards life that has made me kind of detest people for all the shit that happens in life; I'm no exception to this fact - which is why I hate my own existence most of all. Still, even though I'm depressed and believe that I'd be truly better off dead, I can't yet bring myself to commit suicide because I am afraid at what might await me, in the end. Is death truly just nothingness, or do we really go on to a kind of 'after life'? The thought plagues me so much that it brings me down even more - the fact that I hate life but can't really do anything about ending it.

I don't know, I've never tried drugs like you, I've always tried dealing with shit by myself... because, in the end, escaping the reality isn't going to really help, at all. I think that because I face the reality and deal with what it means has made me into a stronger person; sure, I may hate life and want to top myself, but it's given me a greater understanding of things which help me in turn. However, you're different from me, because even though you use drugs to help you get though life, you understand a great many things - which I, myself, greatly admire. Hell, just reading some of the things you've posted on this forum has helped me come to a better understanding of things. Given that, I honestly can't say the drugs are bad for you in the least bit, because they clearly don't cloud your interpretation of the truth.

Nevertheless, you want to be able to stand on your own two feet without support of drugs, and that is very commendable to see. To be honest, if you can get through life without the help of drugs, you would probably be even wiser than you are now - and that's rather hard to comprehend seeing as you're already so intelligent. But yeah, I'd say go for it - it can only make you stronger; you will hit rock bottom, though, trust me on that, but only when that happens will you be able to see life for what it truly is. Moreover, like you yourself were saying, having to depending on a drug isn't really helping yourself because it's just an escape, after all.

In any case, I wouldn't say you're outlook and situation is abnormal, because many go through the same kind of shit in regards to mental/emotional problems invoked by bad life circumstances; but at the same time, most people don't have to face issues on the same level of severity. Nonetheless, we all have to go through our own painstaking life ordeals, but we all have a different way of dealing with the matters at hand - some simply being more effective than others. The fact that you have nothing to believe in makes things incredibly difficult for you as a person, because you generally have nothing to place your faith in and trust - and it does indeed make bad situations harder to deal with.

I'm sure you understand and already know what I'm saying with everything here, but you know, hearing it from somebody else doesn't hurt - in fact, it can be quite reassuring in itself. You're heading in the right direction, though, by the sounds of it, and that's obviously good to see; I just hope you're able to see things through and overcome these grave issues at hand.

Good luck, Orion.

I can relate, I'm diagnosed a clinical depressive myself, and you sound very similar to me - so no doubt when you see the Doc's you'll get it diagnosed properly.

I use to have a hard time dealing with stuff, I've attempted to commit suicide once - but never again. I'm kind of in the same boat as you, except I was a cocaine abuser for a short while, not so much weed.

I'm not sure how I managed to keep the depression repressed, obviously the meds were a big help but I slowly eased off them. A pyschatrist is actually always helps alot, the idea of having someone completley neutral to open up too completley was always comforting to me. Probably the biggest part of it though was my friends and my mum, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

All I can say is what you are already doing - your booking a doctors appointment, thats the first step but it will always get worse before it gets better. Cliche, but very very true.

Things will get better, I gurantee it. But for the time being I commend you for facing the problem head on.

Geez, you should definetly see somebody,seeing a phsyciatrist would be a really good idea. My mom has currently been in an isolation facility for being a severe alchoholic for about two weeks now, you may want to consider doing something like that, however you may not be able to afford it.

I find it strange you dwell on things that are incomprehendible,live life why'll you have it.

I think my "dwelling" on oblivion is changing my outlook on things. When you consider the idea that there is nothing after life, there's a realization that you have only one life to live and that others shouldn't cause you to dislike your own life, and that life itself doesn't mean that much. This has left me with a desire to kill people who would do harm or cause distress to you. My sister-in-law's nieces' step-father thought it was funny to stick crayons in their rectum; I would've killed him for it.

Mentally, I'm becoming increasingly more violent. I don't want to hurt people in general, just people who would hurt others.

My issue with being depressed and smoking weed is that weed helps, but I don't think it's doing everything that needs to be done. I would have no problem being medicated otherwise, provided it helps. I mean, I'm paying between twenty and twenty-five dollars for about 2.8 grams/sack, but it will only last me a couple days. I could be spending that money on medication that will last me through the months and actually deal with the things that need to be dealt with.

Join the military.

... Fuck off.

geesh sorry, wasnt trying to insult you.

Wow, I can relate in a lot of ways to some of your problems. I'm an Atheist myself, and I tend to think and dwell on things more than the average person, including your idea of oblivion and nothingness.. it's kind of like a curse, I feel. There are people out there that never worry about half of the shit that pops into my mind daily whenever I'm not occupied or unhappy with life. I'd say close to 50% of the time, I'm depressed to the point where I could just literally die myself..

I'm still not 'better' by any means, I experience the same shit all the time randomly, but one thing that has helped a lot is simply falling asleep before my mind is allowed to wander. Maybe you could get prescribed some sleep medication? Lack of sleep also tends to put me into the suicidal/depressed state, even when most things seem to be going well.. it's like I think more negatively or something when deprived of enough hours.

But aye, sorry if my post wasn't much help.. I certainly hope you do figure things out.

My problem is, I can't sleep at the drop of a dime. Most people I know can get comfortable and fall asleep at any given time. I can't do that. I can work out, wake up early, stay busy and still not be ready to lay down at two AM. Then, why I lay down, my mind still wanders for hours. I don't understand it.

Been there man. Believe me, I have been there.

Part of being an athiest is accepting oblivion. I know that when I die, I will not be reincarnated, not go to heaven or hell, etc.

I will simply cease to be.

I have dwelt on the idea of death for years and years, and now I just accept it as life.

All those choices I could have taken but didn't, all those things I should or should not have said, etc. I will never be able to relive them and change what could have been.

And I am totally fine with that.

In the end, thats really all you can do. You either fear death and be at the mercy of your fears, or you accept life as it is.

I chose to accept, and now I am at peace with myself.

I used to get angry at things most people would not even fathom... Most people here don't even know the extent of man's inhumanity to man. The things I have seen and the emotions I have felt can only be described as 'otherworldly'. So much emotions channeled into such an intense state of mind...

But thats just life. Its been happening since the dawn of consciousness.

You just have to accept it.


I mean, don't get me wrong, I am still full of problems... if you where to but glimpse at a fraction of my imagination, you would brand me as a psycopathic madman, but hey... no one is perfect.

I may be mentally unhealthy, but I am at peace with myself spiritually.

It's great you've realized that there may be something wrong. If I were you, I would try to cut the marijuana use out (I have no idea just how hard that is because I've never taken a drug or even been drunk) and just see how things are. You might find, that you feel stronger or more willing to take on a day's challenges or it could be the polar opposite. I wish you luck, and I really hope that you're able to conquer this depression.




"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I know. That's from the bible and I know you said you're atheist, but I still think it's a great quote.. Forgive me if you find it insulting, because I really don't mean for it to be offensive at all.

Shit guys, you make me afraid of being an adult.