Solid Snake - A Soldier



Chapter One : David's Hero

As David woke, feeling the chilling wind spitefully lunge at him, he felt, as he always did, without a purpose. As he looked at the cars speedily passing him, and saw people happily exiting their warm houses, David decided that he needed a cigarette. So, he searched his pockets for a few dollars, only to realise that he was without any. He had been homeless for three years, yet somehow, he always managed to survive. However, each day, David's attitude towards life degraded considerably.
"Fuck." he groaned to himself, depressed.
He was 21, yet had never had a job. He had never attended school. All he had was an encyclopedia, which had taught him many things. David was growing cold. As he stare at the dirty alleyway's brick walls, full of despair, he heard a voice.
"Who are you?" a tall man sneered, looking down at David.
"Just get away from me." David replied.
"Let me guess. You're homeless, and without a job? Am I right?" the man enquired curiously.
David ignored him.
"Come here, boy!" the man exclaimed.
David ignored him, unfazed. The man quickly strolled over to him, and grabbed him.
"Don't ignore me, you little runt!"
David stared at the man.
"Get your hands off me, or you're dead." David told him, an anger sweeping his face.
"Bravery...I like that." the man muttered to himself. "53 Arlon Street, 7:00."
The man walked away. David was bewildered. He knew where Arlon Street was, and he planned to go there out of curiosity.
"Something was strange about that man." thought David. The man was in his sixties, tall, and had an eye patch.

Its good, as soon as a finished I scrolled down for chapter 2 keep going cause im waiting lol.

Thanks. I'll probably post the next chapter later on. ;)

Chapter 2 - A Purpose?

As David curiously found his way to the strange man's address, he wondered who the man was. Normally, he wouldn't dream of listening to a stranger, but David felt differently this time. As he approached the front door, he knocked. Pondering whether he had made the right decision, the mysterious man opened the large, grey door.
"Come in, David." the man calmly told him.
"How do you know my name?" David questioned, suspicious.
The man ignored him. As David followed him into a dull, shadowy room, he noticed a newspaper untidily sitting on a mahogany table.
"S.A.S. WONDERKID", it read.
As David turned away from the newspaper, he became tired of the mystery.
"Look, why do you want me here?" he asked, becoming frustrated.
"To hand you a purpose, a calling. I want you to train to become a member of my organisation, Foxhound."
David was bewildered.
"You don't even know me!" David exclaimed, frustrated.
"Then go." the man replied.
David turned, feeling that he had wasted his time. He left.

Chapter 3 - David's Destiny

Two days later, David sat in the same alleyway where he first met the man. He couldn't help but want to return to his house. He felt a strange connection to that man. Extracting a box of newly purchased cigarettes from his inside pocket, he lit and smoked it with relaxation. But it never stopped him thinking about the man.
An hour later, he found himself a victim of his own curiosity, and returned to the dreary, gloomy street which housed the mysterious person. Knocking on the door, David waited, determined to find out about this man.
"I knew you would return." the man growled as he opened the door.
"Foxhound? What is that?" David asked.
"It is my special forces unit, which you will be a part of. It is your saviour. Your saviour from homelessness and your saviour from being without a purpose." the man boldly stated.
"Who are you?"
"Call me John."
David felt a wave of trust emerge from his heart, even though he knew nothing about this man.
"What do I do to join this unit?"
"Follow my instructions, train well, and become a great soldier. It is your destiny."

Carry on, man. It's great. Can't wait for the emotional ending I'm expecting.

Good stuff man, waiting for more.

Thanks, guys. Next chapter will probably be up later on.

Chapter 4 - A Mentor

"I'll train for Foxhound." David told him, slightly excited at the prospect of having a purpose.
"Very well. You may stay here. Tomorrow, I shall take you to the Foxhound base, to begin your training program."
David was overwhelmed. He hadn't had a place to stay for a very long time.
Later that day, after settling in, cleaning himself up and having a shave, David stared out of his room's window. He no longer thought of Arlon Street as a dull, gloomy place, but as his home. He wondered why he could connect to John so well, and how John knew about him. Deciding not to ask questions, David left his room and headed downstairs. He saw John in the living room, reading the newspaper he had seen before.
"I've made you a tea, David. Come in and sit down." John told him with his deep voice, still staring at the newspaper.
David walked in and sipped his tea, feeling it's warmth fill his body.
"Thanks." muttered David.
Sitting down, David stared at John's eye patch.
"What happened to your eye?" David asked curiously.
Putting down the newspaper, John stared at David, his one visible eye full of seriousness.
"In the sixties, a muzzle flash from a weapon blinded me. I was on a mission. Listen, David, have you ever heard of Big Boss?".

Its getting really interesting now, can't wait for next chapter. I'm guessing something along the lines of the guy with the eyepatch being Big Boss or Solidus (somehow) but can't wait to see keep it up.

Thanks. The next chap will probably go up later. This story is primarily about Solid Snake becoming a soldier. But the story has other factors, as Gray Fox and even Liquid might feature in the story!

These aren't chapters. They're tiny tidbits. In feeding out so little information, extract by extract, you're just making reading tedious. The subject isn't even particularly clear. In four chapters there's been about 65 lines. You need to beef up your story a lot.

I can't even really comment on the plot, there's not enough of it.

At the end of the first "chapter", you write "The man was in his sixties, tall, and had an eye patch." Don't describe people at the end of a chapter, you should've described him at the beginning. Describing him at the end just sounds strange.

More than anything, it's your structuring that needs work. Also, you need to liven up your sentences a little. Experiment with and manipulate sentence structure for effect.

They aren't really chapters, this seems to be more of a short sotory, but he hasn't written it all at once so he's just calling each part a chapter. To me the structure is a bit more like a roleplay. Anyways there is obviously a plot developing, Solid Snake has just met the person who is going to train him as a soldier and recruit him into foxhound.

Yeah, but it still equates to about a tenth of a chapter if you put all four "chapters" together.

As for the plot, we'll have to see how it unfolds and hope that the next part will be longer.

Chapters can be very successful, as an example, look at the chapterly releases of Half Life 2 through Steam, HL2 is one of most successful game series ever, plus i like it, seeing a massive block of text intimidates most people, including me, and half the time I can;t be bothered to read it all, I prefer short sharp bursts.

Yeah I'm the same. His "chapters" are just really cut down text making it easy to read, but there is definetly enough information to give you a full plot, you can fill the rest in yourself (most of the imagery you can imagine yourself because he only gives basic descriptions such as the man was tall in his sixties and had an eyepatch, what he actually looked like and was wearing is up to you, the way i take it is that he looks alot like solidus) which is also cool cause it lets you sorta take your own aspect of the story.

It's a good short story! It's just for entertainment. Who cares how long the chapters are and if they're really even chapters?!

Yeah I like it 5 star.

Nobody, I just thought that I'd give a suggestion. I think you might want to get your testosterone poisoning checked out.

/\Bump/\ You gonna continue this soon?

Oh, yeah. Sorry it's taking so long.

Chapter 5 - Big Boss

"Big Boss?" David searched his memory, but he never knew this man.
"No, sorry."
John was silent for a second. David's eyes wandered across the room, and he noticed that the newspaper in John's hands was the same as before, the one that read "S.A.S. wonderkid".
Noticing David's discovery, he hastily threw down the paper.
"Big Boss was a legendary soldier. Often called the greatest soldier of the 20th century." John informed David. "Learn about him, David. Learn about the history of the battlefield, it's iconic, legendary warriors, but most importantly, learn about yourself. Learn that this is your destiny." John's eyes were staring directly into David's.
"Who are you?" David enquired.
"Your mentor. And that's all you need to know."
That night, as he lay in his room, David should have been happy. He was no longer homeless, he was in the warmth. But something about John felt strange. How did he know so much about David, and who is Big Boss?
David decided that he would block out negative thoughts and wait for tomorrow, when he would see Foxhound.

You're not too shabby of a writer, good sir! Too be honest, I can't wait for the next part!!

First off I have to say I agree with JCC. It's too short for the story to unfold, also another part which seems kinda dull. The story, obviously the man in the sixties is Big Boss. You really think he would pick someone up from the street to join FoxHound?

If you make your chapters longer, add more to the story. Maybe this could work.

Well, I really don't think you can tell this guy how to write. If he likes writing shorts then ok, just let him.

I'm not saying it couldn't be better, it could. It's just that some people get intimidated by writing a wall of text.

As for my advice: If you are going to keep writing shorts take more time to describe the setting, place & time.