Sorry for the Slim Shady reference. :rolleyes:

Okay, so heares the thing. Lately Ive been going through some crazy shit. Ive spent the last few months of my life, dislocated from reality. Trapped in my own thoughts. I find it extremely difficult to really even carry on conversations with people anymore. I have terrible demons constantly trying my conscience. I have skeletons in my closet that Ive never revealed. Before, I could easliy look at any old misdeeds as a past occurrence, which I cant change. And simply tried to learn a lesson from the situation. But lately, these things have been haunting me intensely. I feel like Im going insane. I believe in God, and Jesus Christ. I know its a test of my faith, but Im hoping that confession might help my state of mind. I may eventually go to a priest for this, but I thought Id start here, in a forum of my peers.

Bare in mind, some of these things bring awful shame upon me, and Ill no doubt receive some negative responses. Think what you will of me, but I need to share.

Firstly, I stole a shitload of food while snacking, back when I worked at Publix Supermarket. I "stole time" at one point. Me and my smokin buddy who also worked there got caught not clocking out for breaks. My buddy told the truth and got fired. I lied my ass off to the boss and kept my job. Ive told countless petty lies for the sake of avoiding arguments, and manipulating various situations.

I went through a period of about 6 months in which I was completely addicted to Marijuana. During this time, I got trashed at a party, and felt up my best friends girlfriend while she was passed out on booze. In a much more disturbing event, I grasped a dude wii in a similar situtation, for reasons that I can only describe as temporary insanity.

I once promised my girlfriend Id quit smoking. She doesnt mind if I smoke every now and then, but shes afraid Ill return to doing it every single day. Ive been smoking about once every month to every two weeks. She knows about this, but when I told her Id quit altogether, she really believed it, and it hurt her when I picked it back up.

The situation with my girlfriend is quite complicated. When I met her, she was bisexual, but after about a year together, she broke up with me because she thought she was gay. There was no crude intention. She cried her eyes out over the situation. I believe she really loved me and everything, but she was sexually confused, and did think that we were meant to be. Like a baby, I cried, moped around, and eventually told her how stupid I thought she was being. Because she claimed to be in love with me, and Im the only thing in the world that really makes her happy, but then she dumps me because I have a dick. Shortly after, I visited her, and we got naughty. After having given her six orgasms in a single sitting (she didnt fake it, she squirts), I used it to further my argument. "I love you, you love me, we love being together, and Im obviously more than capable of satisfying you, so why the fuck are you throwing us away?" She took me back, admitting that she was being foolish, and making rash decisions.

I truly believe in my heart that we are meant to be, and I think (she certainly says) that she believes it too. But ever since, Ive kinda been paranoid that shes gonna leave me again, or cheat on me, or something of the sort. I really dont believe she would actually cheat on me, but there is that lingering doubt in the back of my mind that says, "Shell leave you".

So the current situation is, we are dating, shes given up a fucking lifestyle to be with me. I smoke weed. She doesnt like it. So I feel this guilt. "If I really love her, I should be able to give up pot just for the sake of making her happy, afterall, I can live without it."

The plot thickens. We met over the phone, but fell for each other quite fast. About a month afterwards, before we were "officially" going out, but after having established that we wanted to be with each other, and that I was a virgin...I did something extremely horrible.

I cheated on her. Ironically enough, I was stoned at the time. Shed neglected to call me for three days, and I was out and about in my neighborhood. I met this black chick who was pretty "easy", and I just started mackin on her. Next thing I know, Im in her apartment, doing the bump. I was so high on the weed, I couldnt really even get it up. And the fuck was bad in general. I lost my virginity, and cheated on my girlfriend at the same time, and it wasnt even worth the trouble. The next day, I finally heard from her. Apparently, she had been busted at school for holding a dime bag (at the time, she was a social smoker). Shed spent the past 2 days in juvenile detention.

Half of me says that shed dump me for sure if she ever found out about it. The other half says that she wouldnt leave me at this point even if she did. Either way, I know that if I told her, it would break her heart. Shes had hormonal and emotional issues as well. Even went through a cutting addiction. Although I know that telling her the truth would be the "right" thing to do, I just feel like it would be pointless. THe only purpose it would serve would be to clear my own conscience, and make myself feel better, while at the same time, breaking her heart. I feel black inside from having done this, and I feel like its less selfish for me to bare my own load as it were, rather than confessing, and hurting her. Ive learned from my mistake, and I know that I would never do anything like that again. I love her with all my heart, and Im more than ready to spend my life with her, and take good care of her.

Anyway, judge me as you will. I regret these mistakes, and wish that I could take them back. I hope that God will have some mercy on me, and that maybe I can break free of my own personal nightmare.

After having listed these terrible deeds, which I seem to dwell on more than any other sins of the past, I realize that the common factor is indeed weed, and perhaps the answer is for me to denounce green from my life once and for all.

Even as a Christian, I dont believe there is anything wrong with marijuana use, as long as it doesnt take over your life, but perhaps Gods path for me requires that I give it up. Perhaps its just not for me. Im not making any decisions, but Im considering this.

My advice to you is to stop doing drugs, and get a new job to get away some of the guilt, and your girlfriend should probably see a psychologist or psychiatrist to help her with some of her problems.

Word up. This is good advice.

Remember, love is a high. Like any drug, it can easily distort your perception of reality.

Keep yer head straight and yer mind clear.

Easier said than done, but hey... its all in the baby steps.

That right there is enough for me to not take you seriously.

While I think scorpion_rayne is being a little harsh I agree to an extent. That had absolutley nothing to do with your confession..way too much info. Theres no one to impress here buddy..move that shit along.

On a more serious note, it can't be summed up more than what wertwhile said. If you are truely a man of God then you will know he will forgive you for your deeds..it shoulden't be an issue, but i can understand why it's troubling you.

Get a job, and keep slowly cutting down on the green. Cold turkey is bullshit and never works..just take it slow. It's how I got off coke. One step at a time, and with help from family and possibly a threapist.

Sure I know adults who are recreational drug users who lead fairly functional lifes, but that shit never helps anything, just do away with it as fast as you can.

And the truth, shall set you free!

Seriously though, cut back on the green as you said and maybe eliminate it all together. Even if you don't think its wrong from a religious stand point, addiction is and clearly you are.

I would tell your girlfriend what and why you did what you did. You said there is no reason to tell because it would be pointless. Well you just told an entire forum of people what you did so if you cant tell the person you think or know you love than the relationship to me seems pointless. If you can find someone who loves you for what you are, forgives you for what you have done, and helps you become what you can and should be, then you have found something worth keeping.

Be honest, it is a lot easier. You said before that you started telling petty lies, well this could be the start of that road again if you start hiding things.

I was only filling you in on my history with her. Sorry if I was too graphic, but I thought the information would help communicate my feelings that she gave up a lifestyle to be with me, so I feel guilty that I cant give up something much less significant for her. Worse, I CAN give it up, I just dont want to.

Actually, I have a very good, well paying, Union job. However, work comes few and far between. Ive been meaning to find something to occupy more of my time. Something productive. Also, I went from smoking about three blunts a day over the course of 6 months, to nothing at all for a period of 40 days, and didnt have much of a problem. Ive proven, even to myself, that I can quit anytime I want. I dont need weed. I just like it, and dont want to put it away.




Honestly sky, I feel you. But Im just afraid to tell her. For one thing, I dont want to lose her. But more importantly, I cant bear the thought of breaking her heart. I dont want to cause her any pain. If it means I have to carry this guilt to my grave, better I suffer the burden, than hurt the person I love. Ill think on it.

Hm, I guess I just have more of an addictive personality than most others then..cause cold turkey just didn't cut it for me.

But I spose' with religious convictions certain things become easier.

I wish I could say that, but these damn demons...they never let me go!

You're wondering if you should quit marijuana or not? Isn't marijuana partly to blame for you cheating on your girlfriend? I'd drop it without batting an eye. No matter what the situation, you need to look at the benefits and disdvantages and weigh them up against each other. You should be seeing very few benefits from smoking marijuana, or smoking in general.

I also don't think you have a right to be paranoid or worry about your girl cheating on you, because you cheated on her. Let her have the benefit of the doubt. If you are meant to be, she won't cheat on you. If she does, you'll get trough it together.

Problems are only as hard as you make them. I think you, more than anyone know what to do in order for your situation to turn for the better. No matter how hard it may seem, do it.

Once you've cheated on your other, you automatically become more paranoid that they'll do the same, Because we all expect from others what we expect from ourselves. But in reality, if she loves you, then she probably won't.

The Orgasm thing was a bit wierd.......very....very wierd.


Drop the green. Like you yourself said, it's the obvious base to all these problems. You've proved you can put it aside? Then do it. Just because you like it, doesn't mean you should continue. Especially if you like being with your girlfriend more. Think how happy you'd make her by quitting?