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Anti-Chronicle; New series
Topic Started: May 21 2012, 05:38:16 AM (508 Views)
OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

So it was about ten tonight (technically last night) when I was being driven home from good ol' NYC (Old habits die hard) when I had this thought for a story. Here's the idea.


"He's hitting me again. He went for a bat, please...Please help..." Her voice echoed throughout his mind while he turned onto 34th Street. His red Kawasaki Ninja 250R's reflection radiated brightly. His eyes were hidden behind the tinted plastic of his helmet. He spoke no words. She knew well enough he was coming. Him never talking was why they weren't together anymore. But he was her guardian angel. More of a fallen angel, however. It seemed like he was on the highway heading towards White Plains in no time. He saw they green sign for the exit. German techno pumping through his ears, he made his way for the white house. When he pulled into the driveway, he heard the screaming through the beat of the music. He cut the engine, got off, and walked up to the porch.

He didn't take off the helmet. His leather motorcycle jacket made him even more menacing. It wasn't like those ones from the 1950's. This thing was the darkest, blackest thing possible. Red stripes running from the shoulders down to the sleeves. His fists clenched. His fingerless gloves tightening up. The front door opened and she came running towards him. He was on the edge of the porch as she wrapped herself around him. That douche, Vic came after her, clutching a bright blue metal baseball bat. He only got angrier when he saw him. His secret was the reason he kept the helmet on. Why he never spoke when he was angry. He was moving slowly towards him now. His eyes glowed red through the plastic visor. That douche stopped. He was about to hit him when he pulled it out. The scratched up black metal glinted off the streetlight's beams.


Vic dropped the bat. "So this is why you keep his number on speed dial. So whenever someone gives you shit he can shoot them for you." He kept the 1911 leveled with that douche's head. Then he spoke. "If you knew who I am, you wouldn't be saying that." That douche laughed. "What? Some faggot on a motorcycle who obviously thinks he's hot shit, who happens to have a gun? And take out those red contacts, you look like a piece of shit." Then he took off his gloves, and motioned towards the ground. A crack opened and glowed bright orange. A skeleton with bones made of volcanic rock appeared from the crack, which was now six feet wide. He carried an M16 and was in a US Army uniform. "This is Jack. An IED took his legs and he died of blood loss. He wants that blood back." The skeletal soldier screeched and he beat the butt of the rifle against the ground. That douche's jaw dropped and he got on his knees. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Don't kill me, please!"


He put the Colt away. That's when he took off the helmet. His eyes glowed as red as Hell itself. "My father will deal with you soon enough anyway. I'll let you suffer the Mortal World for just a little longer, Vic." He then took the Colt out again and shot Jack in the head twice. The skeleton screamed and fell into the glowing chasm. A loud and malevolent chuckle rose from the ground as the crack closed. Black-feathered wings spread from his back. He had to calm himself down, or else his skin would turn bright red and horns would grow from his head. The wings retracted and his eyes went back to brown. He turned towards his ex-girlfriend. She kissed him, but he felt nothing. She couldn't love him for what he was. On a weekly basis he tortured Hitler's soul when his dad had too much paperwork. Who could love something like that? His voice returned to normal, rather than the Satanic bellow that he usually has. "Despite what Dad may say, you Mortals are pretty fun" He smiled an evil smile. "I'll see you soon, Kelly." She gave him one more squeeze as he mounted his red Kawasaki and sped off into the night. His father's voice rang through his mind. "She's special to you, that's for sure. Took you two-thousand years. I'll make sure JC lets her in." He thanked his dad. His dad may be evil itself, but he was the best dad in the world.
Edited by OzwaldTheCrab, May 22 2012, 03:59:23 AM.
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G.J.V.
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One word: paragraphs.

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GARY TOWN IS FOREVER!


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OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

I take it you didn't enjoy it?
You are watching [ozwaldswim]
Oh, I am heartily tired of hearing about what Hank is going to do.
We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.
Some quotes n fuck

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Edo
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Crab, hellish imagery is one of my specialties, I have quite a few suggestions for your story. And even in short stories, maybe ESPECIALLY in short stories, well-rounded characters are important. Quick example, the "douche" should have a name, that way the reader feels more like a person is being tortured and not just a plot essential punching bag.

Edit:Oh yeah, I forgot...
Spoiler: click to toggle
Edited by Edo, May 21 2012, 09:31:08 PM.
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OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

Yeah I know, I just didn't want to lose the imagery I had during that car ride. I'll give the characters names and put in...Paragraphs....
You are watching [ozwaldswim]
Oh, I am heartily tired of hearing about what Hank is going to do.
We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.
Some quotes n fuck

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Edo
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There are other issues as well, if you wish to cover them.
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OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

I've got nothing to lose. Go ahead.
You are watching [ozwaldswim]
Oh, I am heartily tired of hearing about what Hank is going to do.
We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.
Some quotes n fuck

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G.J.V.
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OzwaldTheCrab
May 21 2012, 07:42:19 PM
I take it you didn't enjoy it?
I didn't even read it. A big, unstructured block of words does not entice someone to read it.

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Edo
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And Crab, I read it entirely, and it hurt my eyes. He's right, about the paragraphs. As superficial as it may seem, the literal structure of your story is indeed important.
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OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

Alright, alright, hold your pubes, I'm on it.

EDIT: Wasn't tough. Gave the girl and the douche names. I like calling the main character just "Him" because of the robot Satan guy from the Powerpuff Girls. Ok, Gary, go read the more structered rectangle of words.
Edited by OzwaldTheCrab, May 22 2012, 04:01:15 AM.
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Edo
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He won't, he'll tell right off the bat that you didn't do it right. Besides, who needs recognition from Gary anyway. Leaving your protagonist nameless can be trick stylistically, but can pay in relatively from the reader to the character. Though, trying to relate to the son of Satan is...

...kind of tough! I understand your intent by leaving him nameless though. You want that aura of dark mystery, but you fall short in that area when you blatantly humanize Him with fury and even a close relationship. So, giving Him a name would be best. So, are you starting a series, or what?
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G.J.V.
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Read the first 2 paragraphs and I'm already lost, amongst all the "he" and "him"s. It can often be confusing as to which "he" it's referring to. I'm trying to picture it in my head and then you get a sentence like "He was about to hit him when he pulled it out." Who was about to hit who when who pulled it out? It could very easily be either way around, meaning I'm constantly having to re-read stuff to figure out who is more likely to be about to attack first.

Also, another point that became obvious from skimmming the 3rd paragraph - it's a general rule in writing that when a new character speaks, you start a new line.

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OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

@Edo A series? Well I guess I could. Now that I think of it, it's not a terribly bad idea. And on that note, I think the reason that he has a close relationship is because he's learned to understand humans after so many years. I can't really think of anything else other than "AC" as a name.

@Gary
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Edo
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Air Conditiner? Anti-Christ? Ass-Clown?
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OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

Let's think. The son of Satan. Totally Ass-Clown.
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G.J.V.
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Maybe I'm misreading the tone of your posts Ozwald, but it seems to me like you're getting annoyed about certain things Edo and I have said. If this is untrue and your posts were meant in jest, then ignore this post, if however they were made in annoyance, then you might want to think about why you posted it up here. If you posted it here to get people going "yeah, awesome!" and nothing else, then maybe you should only put it somewhere your friends can see it. If you posted it up here hoping to get criticism and feedback (something which, trust me, can be next to impossible here sometimes), then you're going to have to put up with people saying "this is bad, fix this", which is what we've said.

I'm not looking for a response to this post (but feel free if you truly wish to), just be honest with yourself and take what I've said to heart. Everything said in this thread has been about how you can make it better.

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OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

I'm not annoyed at all, just making a few pokes of humor. I've been a writer for a long time, so I'm used to people looking at bad things first. Still, I was half asleep when I wrote it. Feedback is in fact what I was looking for, and to just share it in general. How exactly would someone say "yeah, awesome!" to a story about the Anti-Christ anyway?
Edited by OzwaldTheCrab, May 24 2012, 01:54:50 AM.
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Edo
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Oh, I don't know...
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OzwaldTheCrab
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YO B-BOI THAT'S JUST NOT THE WORD, YA HEARD?

Actually...That explains a lot, thanks, Edo.
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Edo
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No problem! So, any more concerns a as a writer?
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