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| Funny Pics & Video; Everything funny goes in here | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 12 2005, 01:04:55 PM (9,637 Views) | |
| MGSTAMER | Aug 12 2005, 01:04:55 PM Post #1 |
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Well I saw some funny jokes and I thought it would be nice to share them
1. A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks. "Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings." "Ouch," she blurts. Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires. St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo." Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell." He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!" The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!" 2. A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little p*ssed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.” Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?” 3. Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said. "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!" 4. A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Do you have any JOKES? |
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| Firey_Snake | Aug 12 2005, 05:52:30 PM Post #2 |
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Do not read this message
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Hehe! Great! I have a few that are a little politically incorrect, but I'm sure you lot can cope - What's the difference between Paula Radcliff and Hitler? At least Hitler tried to finish the race! What was John Lennon's last hit? The pavement. What's the best thing about twenty five year olds? The fact there's twenty of them. Why does it take two gay men to rape a girl? One holds her down while the other does her hair. How do you get a one armed Irish man out of a tree? Wave to him. How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door. What do light and hard have in common? You can't sleep with a light on either. What's blue and f*cks grannies? Hypothermia. |
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| Canard | Aug 12 2005, 06:03:55 PM Post #3 |
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DUCK!
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:haha:. I'm so going to hell for laughing at that, but screw it. What's black, crispy, and sits on rooftops? An Irish electrician. How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Let the b*tch cook in the dark. What do you call a swimming pool full of disabled kids? Vegetable soup. One of three sisters asks her mother, "Mummy, why am I called Rose?" "Because when you were born, a rose petal dropped onto your face." The second sister asks, "Well, why am I called Snowdrop?" "Because when you were born, a snowdrop dropped onto your face." From the corner of the room comes a deranged warble. "Mnyghraghm!" The mother replies, "Shut up Fridge." |
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| Ocelot05 | Aug 12 2005, 06:10:07 PM Post #4 |
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I sure wish we'd have taken the train!
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<_< <_< <_< How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circular room and ask her to stand in the corner. |
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In a fix, in a bind, Call on us, anytime. Rescue Aid Society | |
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| LiSD | Aug 12 2005, 06:11:53 PM Post #5 |
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Hey. You turned left.
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hahha good ones I always wanted that topic: well one from me: why did hitler made a suicide? because he got a bill for tha gas
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| micster | Aug 12 2005, 06:13:56 PM Post #6 |
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Like a Big Baws
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noooo that joke is How do you confuse a blind man. Put him in a circular room and tell him to stand in the corner |
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Why That Was Just Most Irregular [micster.com — For all the rage and hilarity you need in life] | |
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| SlyFOX | Aug 12 2005, 07:52:53 PM Post #7 |
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"See you on the Dark Side of the MoOn"
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no its not its a blonde lets see im comin back to the topic later w/ some good jokes but for now heres some crappy yo mama jokes: yo mama so fat; she uses a mattress as a tampon yo mama so fat; when she sticks her fat foot in the ocean all the whales start singing: "We Are Family" yo mama so fat; when she goes to the movies she sits next to EVERYONE yo mama so fat; when she steps on the scale it tells her to get the f*ck off yo mama so fat AND old; when God created the Earth in 7 days he told her he could have done it in 1 day but she wouldnt move her fat ass over (i actually made that one up) |
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| Grey Fox-Ninja | Aug 12 2005, 10:22:07 PM Post #8 |
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I smell magic in the air
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i know that one, though i know it like this: How did hitler die?? He choked in a jews cake when he saw the bill for the gas. good one though :lol: 3 man where at a swimming pool. they got 1 wish the man for what the water would change into, so the first says: "Money!" he jumps into the money. the second says: "gold!" he jumps into the gold. the thirth one bumped his knie and souted: "sh*t!" then he fell into the pool. (don't know whether i'm telling it right..) |
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| SlyFOX | Aug 13 2005, 01:02:51 AM Post #9 |
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"See you on the Dark Side of the MoOn"
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i dont mean to offend any jews on this site: wats the difference between a jew and a pizza? a pizza doesn't scream in the oven heres one that u all might be familiar with: there was this blind man and he was walking down the sidewalk, shaking his walking stick around and whatnot, he stopped in front of this fish market, he walked up to it, took a deep breath and said *exhales* whooo good morning ladies! |
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| alys | Aug 13 2005, 06:30:04 AM Post #10 |
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Yup.
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All the jokes I know are pretty racist. Like... some guy would shoot me if I said it. Well, here's one; I hope it's not too bad, lol. "How do you start a Mexican parade? Throw a penny down the street" |
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| SlyFOX | Aug 13 2005, 08:54:12 AM Post #11 |
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"See you on the Dark Side of the MoOn"
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ya i love that joke i tell it all the time along w/ this one: What do u call a Mexican w/out a lawnmower and a bag of fertilizer? Unemployed heres another one: There was once a great Irish legend way back in the day, a story so unbelievable but so magical, it was about an Irishman that could hold down a job! I have nothing against Irish people, im part Scotch Irish in fact, but i love that joke its hilarious |
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| MGSTAMER | Aug 16 2005, 12:51:26 PM Post #12 |
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Your mammas so fat when it was her birthday and she turned around, it was her birthday again! |
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| LiSD | Aug 20 2005, 09:53:29 PM Post #13 |
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Hey. You turned left.
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h3h3 LOL
hey my firiend does your horse smoke? no why? well then your stables are on fire |
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| Firey_Snake | Aug 20 2005, 10:29:25 PM Post #14 |
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Do not read this message
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^^^^ Hehe! Good one! What's black and has 27 tits?? The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic. Little Johnny misses a day at school. He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off. "Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned" "Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious" "Well Miss, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium" A guy steps into an elevator and notices a nice looking girl is in it. He leans over and says, "Can I smell your c*nt?" "Of course not!" she screams back at him. "Oh - then it must be your feet" he replies. What's black and loud? Stevie Wonder answering the iron Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair! What can turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt 3 holymen on a sinking ship at sea. The minister shouts " save the children!!". The rabbi shouts " f*ck the children!!", the priest shouts: " Do we have time?" The US police dept. were said to be quite happy that Michael jackson dangled his little boy over a balcony. One officer said " normally he just tosses them off," That's all. |
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| MGSTAMER | Aug 21 2005, 11:06:06 AM Post #15 |
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Nice ones Firey_Snake! This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts. Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her." Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts. Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?" Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing." The guy slumps, just crushed. Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years." The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry. Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid." By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fu**ing with you, she's dead." |
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| LiSD | Aug 21 2005, 01:22:38 PM Post #16 |
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Hey. You turned left.
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lol firey and stamer nice! the real event on our school: t- teacher s-student t: what are u doing gorazd? im sure it's nothing smart. s: you are right about that maam i am listening to you! |
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| Pistol Pete | Aug 21 2005, 03:33:28 PM Post #17 |
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Covert Taskforce Member
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Here is a joke I made up I went to my friends house, and his house was full with clocks Me: Why have you got so many clocks? Friend: Each clock shows how long all the MGSF members got long to life. Me: Well why did that clock move a hour? Friend: Every time someone plays with themselves. They lose a hour of their life. Me: Well why can't I see Captain's clock then? Friend: Oh, we use him as a fan in the kitchen Sorry Captain, that joke wasn't to offend you |
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| micster | Aug 21 2005, 03:36:04 PM Post #18 |
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Like a Big Baws
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thread winner pete! |
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Why That Was Just Most Irregular [micster.com — For all the rage and hilarity you need in life] | |
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| MGSTAMER | Aug 24 2005, 10:21:07 PM Post #19 |
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What do you call a Nigga flying a plane? A Nigga with altitude. |
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| Firey_Snake | Aug 24 2005, 11:13:28 PM Post #20 |
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Do not read this message
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What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. Whats the definition of harsh? Throwing a grenade under a wheelchairateer and shouting run. What's the definition of brave? Spitting through a letterbox, knocking the door and asking how far it went. What's the definition of stupid? Throwing a brick through a window and asking for it back. What's the definition of a rave? A spastic dancing to a car alarm. What goes plink plink fizz? 2 babies in an acid bath. What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics? Not being disabled. Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore? A dead epileptic.. |
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