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DIY Ghostbusting
Topic Started: Jul 7 2013, 12:20:01 PM (555 Views)
Black Cat
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Swamp witch

Do you have ghosts living in your home?

Ghosts can be quite a nuisance if left unchecked, and if they have a proper source of food they can quickly multiply and cause serious health issues and damage your peace of mind. If you have been experiencing ghostly activities, or if you have found evidence of ghosts in your home (droppings, blood on walls, etc.), it may be time for you to consider taking action against them reduce their numbers, and eventually exterminate the population within your home or workplace.

Are you tired of feeling uncomfortable in your own home due to a ghost infestation?


Well don't worry anymore. This is the guide you'll need to take them out without having to pay an arm and a leg for an exterminator to come in and spray harsh chemicals everywhere. Now you can do all the ghostbusting you want, by yourself, for free. Let me explain.

There are many different types of ghost, but they are all similar in a few regards. First off, they are nocturnal, so you rarely see them during the day. They tend to congregate in the darker areas of your home during the day. At night, however, they come out to feed on any uncovered food left in their areas.

Rule #1: Don't leave any food lying out uncovered overnight.


This is the easiest way to prevent an infestation of ghosts in the first place. If you don't feed them, they won't stick around for long. Sometimes they can be pretty stubborn though, and they will look for food wherever they go. This is why you must also be sure to wash all of your dishes before going to sleep, dishes left in the sink can make an all-you-can-eat buffet for ghosts.

If you do have an infestation of ghosts, you will likely have to deal with them at some point. This is another area where all types of ghosts are similar, they won't ever help pay the bills. It may come as a surprise, but ghosts truly do not give a shit about you or your bills, all they want is a free place to live, and as long as you don't tell them to get their shit and get out, they will just keep hanging around and inviting their friends over the time.

In short, ghosts are dicks most of the time, and they will mooch off of you for as long as they can. This behavior, however, can help you out in the long run. The first thing you can try is to heavily imply that they're going to have to start helping you out with rent, or else they'll have to move. If you say it to them directly, they'll become defensive and say something like "Man, I do all kinds of shit for you around here, man." This is just a clever trick. They most certainly do not do all kinds of shit for you around there, man.

The best way to imply to the ghost that something needs to change is by bringing in one of the bills, tossing it down on the table in front of it, and talking about other houses or apartments in the area at affordable prices. The ghost might take the hint and leave immediately. If not, then you're dealing with a powerful spirit that will not be so easy to evict. Do not fret, there are ways to deal with the likes of them.

A more direct approach is necessary at this point. You'll have to resort to using the ghosts own fears or desires against them. The first option is to stand in front of them and lift your arms above your head to make yourself seem bigger. The ghost, having no idea what's going on, might be frightened away never to return. If that doesn't work, try to draw the ghost out of the house by telling them that there is cotton candy outside. Whether there really is cotton candy outside doesn't matter, ghosts just love cotton candy. If the ghost goes outside, just close and lock the door behind them, and they will eventually leave after scratching on the door for a while.

If your ghost or ghosts are still around after trying all of the previous methods, you will have to use a very powerful but dangerous incantation to remove them from your home.

I warn you, this incantation could cause you serious psychological trauma if you're not strong enough, and it should only be used in case of emergency. If the ghosts just won't leave, this might be your only option.

In order to perform this ritual properly, you'll need a few things: scented candles, a green or red apple, whichever you prefer, a bowl, a knife, and possibly a reliable internet connection.

Step 1: Light the candles

Step 2: Peel or slice the apple with the knife

Step 3: Place the apple in the bowl

Step 4: Turn your TV or stereo system up as loud as it can go

Step 5: Turn on Two of Hearts by Stacey Q

Ghosts hate that song. Also, the apple is just a healthy snack for you to eat. The candles are just there to improve the atmosphere of the whole situation, which is dreadful at best simply because you have to listen to that song. Just wait, and keep the song playing until you receive confirmation that all of the ghosts have left the area. Usually, this confirmation comes in the form of an angry landlord or neighbor who would really like it if you would turn the music down.

When this happens, you have officially gotten rid of the ghosts, and you can give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done.

I hope this guide into the world of ghosts can be informative or helpful to anyone who has to deal with these pests.

From our family to yours, have a happy holiday.
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"If life pushes you down, you gotta push back. If you're dealt a bunch of lemons, you gotta take those lemons and stuff them down somebody's throat until they see yellow." - Frank Reynolds

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A Big Crocodile
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Filthy casuals

Does the above method also work on trolls?
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Gene
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Is this just for ghosts -like Casper- or can I use this method for ghouls and poltergeists too?

I'm just getting fed up of masturbating and my chair flying across the room
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The Departed
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think i can communicate a legally binding contract to a poltergeist so it's legally obligated to star in my own rendition of paranormal dicktivities?
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Duck as sake no bidibgeybfbfhailhydradrinkn:(

awards and such

r.i.p. to the coolest dude we'll ever know :gary:
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See Greene


Where does the part about sucking the said ghosts up with a giant shop-vac come into play?
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Black Cat
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Swamp witch

W32.Aphex@mm
 
Does the above method also work on trolls?

Yeah, carry a boom box and a tape with that song on it with you to every bridge you cross, and you will be able to quickly put an end to any troubles you run into.


Gene
 
Is this just for ghosts -like Casper- or can I use this method for ghouls and poltergeists too?

I'm just getting fed up of masturbating and my chair flying across the room


The information in guide can be used to banish all manner of negative spirits from your home, including ghouls and poltergeists. Those two types of spirit tend to be very difficult to get rid of, but the Stacey Q method will take care of them no matter what.

Ghouls and poltergeists are mischievous, so you can also try preemptively throwing your chair across the room yourself, and then talking loudly about how normal it is for you to throw chairs and stuff, but what you really really hate is when every ghost, ghoul, or poltergeist leaves your house immediately and leaves you alone forever.

Ghosts are pretty susceptible to being tricked by reverse psychology.



The Departed
 
think i can communicate a legally binding contract to a poltergeist so it's legally obligated to star in my own rendition of paranormal dicktivities?


Of course. You just have to do it right. The thing to remember is that ghosts don't want to do any work for money, because like I said, they only care about having free food and a free place to live. So instead of telling them that they will make a lot of money if they will help you with your film, just tell them that he could win the coveted "Best Ghost in a Lead Role" award by being in the film, which will then enable him to have a creepy old abandoned mansion which for some reason still has a fully stocked kitchen.

The ghost simply will not be able to refuse your offer, and will then help you with your film as long as you provide the food and lodging. After your film is complete, you will be in a unique position to banish the ghost from your house by telling it that the award has been mailed to its creepy old home. Be intentionally vague about the location of his home, and tell him to just take the ghost taxi or ghost bus there.

They will never make it to the creepy old abandoned mansion, nor will they return.



SeeGreene187
 
Where does the part about sucking the said ghosts up with a giant shop-vac come into play?


The Hoover-Dyson technique is so controversial that I decided not to put it in this guide. If it works, just release the ghost outside and everything is okay, but if it doesn't work properly, God help you.

You'll have to go buy a new shop-vac.
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"If life pushes you down, you gotta push back. If you're dealt a bunch of lemons, you gotta take those lemons and stuff them down somebody's throat until they see yellow." - Frank Reynolds

SSHD - Scary Shit to Hear in the Dark
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See Greene


Ah. I see. I think ill try the shopvac way first, because god knows no one wants to listen to Two of Hearts by Stacey Q on full blast.....
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pacman
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Hi-Tech Soldier
Waka.... waka?
Anyway nice I'll have to try it next time I'm being attacked by the demon....
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Holly berry
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