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A Short Story still in the works
Topic Started: Jan 13 2018, 11:42:23 PM (238 Views)
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This is really because I have nothing better to do right now and I feel like putting this up haha. I want to hear some opinions of this short story I wrote a while back that I have still to write up in the process.

Feedback is hugely appreciated. Be as brutal as possible lmao if you think its shit then tell me (I won't cry lol)

Huge thanks for taking the time to read it!

She hated walking alone. Alone was her worst enemy. Alone meant she couldn’t hide her fears behind anyone else, except the paleness of the thin moon that shone in the night. Her phone bleeped, signifying a text. It was her ex, begging, pleading with her for another chance. She glanced at the phone, then switched it off and put it in her handbag. She was sick of having to hear the same fucking crap from her ex, day in, day out. If she truly wanted him, why did he cheat on her? Why did he feel the need to cheat on her with another whore he saw on the street? Why did she feel the need to cheat on him? Was she in the right? Did her boyfriend make a point when he said she was nothing more than an ungrateful swine? It wasn’t worth dwelling on it anymore, she wanted to get home, so she didn’t have to walk anymore.

He contemplated if what he was doing was necessary, if what he was doing was pure from all the world’s evil. He had believed that he was necessary to stop all evil, the voice in his head told him so. Why should he doubt now, of all times, that the voice in his head was wrong? It wasn’t wrong about his last victim. As he smeared the blood on himself, he saw all the wrongdoings the victim did, and saw no good in her, and he was content with his actions. He believed now, that he was doubting himself, and should trust the voice in his head, and began to prepare himself for his next kill.

She turned the corner, and wished she had just turned around and ran for it instead. A black glove latched onto her throat, and dragged her into the abyss. She tried to scream, but soon found it pointless to do so. She was tied up, waiting for the final curtain to call, delivering a sense of finality to her life.

He enjoyed this moment. He knew the voice in his head was right, he saw the evil inside of her when he grabbed her, the evil that controls all women. He took out his knife, and began to stab. It was second nature to him, just ignore the screams and lunge in, and out. In, and out. In, and out…

She had stopped breathing hours ago. He didn’t care. He wanted to make sure. The cops wouldn’t catch him anyway, the twats were too fucking useless to catch anyone. That’s when he knew exactly what he had to do. The blood was pouring from her, like a fountain. It made for excellent painting. He liked to consider himself as an artist, to which he was about to paint his masterpiece. Smeared in blood the following words were put above the dead girls’ body
With a wry smile on his face, he kept his knife and hid back in the darkness. He liked walking alone. Alone he was safe. Alone, no one could harm him.

Chapter 1
7:00 A.M. It was early. Too early. Jack wanted to pull the blinds on his windows and go back to sleep, but this was pointless. Sleep was a meaningless thing to him anyway. For him, the only reason for sleep was without it, he wouldn’t be able to concentrate properly. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep anyway, no matter how hard he tried. His morning cup of coffee would have to suffice for the lost hours of sleep.

He put on the clothes he wore from last night. The sweat was dripping off them, but he didn’t care. Personal hygiene was never much of a concern for him anyway. All that mattered for him was the case. That’s what had made him a good detective. Perhaps, as some of his friends would say, too good. For him, the case wasn’t just part of his ordinary day job, it was his obsession. His obsession with catching the killer was what led him to the drastic and often dire paths he would take. It would often result in getting a good result, but it left doubts from his superiors about his actions nonetheless. This, plus maybe his hygiene habits, had him kicked from the police force. Jack needed the rush he got from a case. It was like an addiction to him. It was fortunate he was also friendly with the police chief at the time. The chief took pity on Jack. He saw the potential that a detective like him had, and to see him leave the police force in disgrace like this was unfair to the demanding work the detective had put in. He suggested that Jack continue his work as a private detective. This idea alone satisfied Jack’s curiosity, and soon enough, clients came to his door by the dozen. He gained a reputation for solving cases at a rapid speed, sometimes within minutes. Jack wanted more though, as he began to want cases with more and more intrigue and depth.

Jack’s previous case left a serious toll on his mental state. The client had asked Jack to consider a missing person report for his wife. This led to him finding an abandoned warehouse, which had been known for hiding its fair share of criminals and petty thieves back in the day. The place had been raided years ago, and all known criminals in the area were arrested, but there were still reports of suspicious activity in the area. Upon entering the warehouse, he saw a woman who matched the description the client gave. She was beaten up, grotesquely. Her body had been punched repeatedly and it appeared there were multiple stab wounds around her chest. Worst of all though, were the marks on her back. They were forceful, as if someone was trying to choke her, or worse. It appeared she had been sexually and physically assaulted by someone. She was however, by some miracle, still breathing. Jack rushed to the woman’s aid and called for an ambulance. She was however, a truly terrifying sight to see due to the severe damage done to her. Jack noticed her lips beginning to move, trying to say something. He leaned in to hear her better, and under her shaky voice, heard her words. “Run”.
Run? From what? Or who? He had investigated the area; the assailant could not be anywhere close. Or could he? He looked behind to see a man, of muscular build, and with an axe in his hand, ready to finish the job. “Who the fuck are you?” the man asked, putting his axe in a threatening position. “I’m someone you don’t want to fuck with.”, Jack calmly replied. “You think you can own me? You think you can come in here and stop me from doing my honest work?” the man replied, with the axe firmly in two hands. “Honest work? So, you would call chopping a defenceless woman in two after raping and pummelling her honest work?” “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE DID! SHE IS EVIL! SHE MUST BE STOPPED!” the man exclaimed in anger, ready to attack with his axe, then stopped. He hadn’t been able to get a good look at Jack, the night had darkened his face, but the glimmer from the moonlight that beamed from the window gave him a chance to see him properly. He lowered his axe and said, “I know who you are, Jack.”. Jack’s blood ran cold. How could he possibly know who he was? “I know exactly what kind of person you are. You are just like me, you crave for attention, doing whatever you can to get it. You crave to catch the killer as much as I crave to banish evil. We’re not different, you and me. We can accomplish many things together. Great and wonderful things. All women are evil. They must be stopped. Only a man like me, Sebastian, truly understands this. I give you a choice Jack, either join me and together we will complete this quest, or save her, and continue to pursue me. But I must warn you that if you choose to do that, your pursuit for me will begin a further descent into madness”. Sebastian offered his hand out. “I would rather die than join you, you fucking psychotic bastard”. Lifting the girl in his arms, Jack ran out of the warehouse. The ambulance that was dialled earlier arrived. Safely loaded in the back, they left for the hospital. Seb watched as he saw Jack turn the corner in the ambulance. The voice in his head told him not to panic, Jack would see sense and join him, one day. He smiled, knowing Jack would join him, one way or another. Madness would soon destroy Jack. Madness destroys everyone.

Jack was awakened to his senses by the sound of the kettle hissing. He knew he was thinking back on the day that he first saw Eleanor. The poor girl had been through hell, but could not remember a single moment of what happened. In a way, Jack was glad. He didn’t have the stomach to tell her that that evil bastard had raped her. He just couldn’t wait for the day he would get his hands on him and choke the fucker until he was dead. It was why he never reported what happened to her to the police. Why should he? He had been one of the best on the force, and as a reward he was kicked out. Fuck them. It was better if he delivered justice on his own. He was just beginning to enjoy these thoughts, when he heard a knock at the door.

Chapter 2
The knocking persisted for what felt like hours. Jack knew who was behind the door, and he felt sick. He was forced to open the door, and his worst fears came true. A stocky man with a plump chest walked into his office. The man sat in the chair beside the door, a lit cigarette in his hand.

The man was his former police chief.

“Fuck”, Jack thought to himself “I’m gonna have to listen to him bullshit now for the next hour about how I am slowing losing touch with society, like I always do every week.”.

The man sat there for a few minutes. Jack took a moment to look at him. His tie was crooked, as it always was on a Thursday morning, the chief never bothered to put the tie on properly on a Thursday. He used to say that the workload was too busy on a Thursday to worry about fixing his tie. “Connor, do you want a cup of tea or something? I was just about to make a coffee.” “No thanks”, he replied “I wasn’t here as a curtesy call, I’m afraid. I need your help Jack.” This was a shock. Connor never came in to look for help, in fact often when he came in it was to rant at Jack over the havoc he was causing for the way he solved another case. “You need my help? For what?” “Sit down Jack,” he said in an exasperated tone “and I’ll explain”.

Jack sat on the other side of the table, his mug of coffee in his hand. Connor got straight to the point “Jack, a homicide has occurred in the area.” “Well that wasn’t anything new, in this town a homicide happens every fucking day”, Jack thought to himself. Connor continued “It follows the MO of a known serial killer in the area, who goes by the name “The Bloody Angel”. Do you know of this serial killer?” Jack froze. He knew who this was. Sebastian. The same bastard who had tried to kill Eleanor, had now struck again. “Yeah, I know him. Evil bastard.” “I wouldn’t put it in such colourful language, but yes, he is undoubtedly evil.” Jack felt the rage inside of him, to which he promptly asked Connor “Have you made any leads as to his whereabouts?” “The police are investigating this latest murder, but there literally is nothing on him, again.”. Jack noticed the look of dejection on his face, a look he had never seen on Connor’s face before. “No evidence? Well how do we know that it is him?” “Because of this”, Connor showed him a picture of the “message” Seb left to the cops “Charming fellow”, Jack said. “Do we know her cause of death?” “It appears her cause of death was repeated stabbing, which appears to have continued even after she stopped breathing” “Jesus…” Jack took a sip of his coffee “Does the coroner know what time this occurred at?” “He believes it happened sometime after 11” “What’s the victim’s name? Did she communicate with anyone before she died?” “Her name is Samantha Jones, and yes, there does appear to be a message from her ex-boyfriend, James Stewart” “A message? What did he say?” “It appears he was desperate to have her back and was apologising frantically to her, wishing he hadn’t cheated on her. She didn’t reply.” “Do you think it’s possible that he could’ve hired someone to kill her because she wouldn’t listen to him?” “It is possible, but I doubt it…” “Ok, anything else I should know? Any images from CCTV cameras or any evidence the killer dropped in the area?” “There is one thing, in a further attempt to provoke us, the killer gave us a picture.” Connor showed him a picture of Seb. If any doubts were in Jack’s mind that it wasn’t him, they vanished now. Jack felt the anger inside of him bubble up when he saw him. He couldn’t forget the night he saw him, abusing Eleanor, like she was just a rag-doll to him. He banged the table in frustration, much to Conor’s surprise. “Jack, are you okay?” “I’m fine, I just want to catch this bastard.” “Jack, you know how dangerous you can become if you get obsessed with this, you need to keep a level head” “I know. I fucking know that. But it’s hard to do that when you know what kind of sick shit this cunt does.” Jack took a moment to breathe deeply. He needed to save his anger, he wanted to catch this bastard, but he wasn’t going to do that if he was this angry. “Ok, I’ll take the case. I need to go to the ex-boyfriend’s house. Perhaps he hired him to do something like this. Perhaps not, I need to know for sure.” “Ok Jack, do what you need to do to get this guy, but do it lawfully. I do not want to see you dish out some vigilante style justice to him.” Connor got up to leave. “Keep me posted, Jack.”, he said as he closed the door.

Chapter 3
3:30 PM. The car radio was tuned to the local radio programme. Jack never bothered to change it, he never felt the need to listen to the radio anyway. Of course, that meant having to listen to that monotonous host doing the usual drivel that he called a “chat show”, but it was worth suffering the pain of listening to him. He didn’t have much further to drive anyway. Before leaving the apartment, Connor had given him a location for the ex-boyfriend’s house. As Jack was driving, a million thoughts flashed through his head at once. He couldn’t stop thinking about Sebastian’s face. The scar across his left cheek was the first thing Jack could remember, its jagged shape making the sign of a cross. The scar was too perfect to have been caused in a fight, meaning he had to have cut it on himself. What was more striking however, was his angelic white hair. Remembering these details sickened Jack, and he began to scream Seb’s name in frustration and rage, cursing him. This drowned out the noise from that fucking radio host, and made Jack feel a lot better, but it didn’t help the drivers from behind, who now thought there was a schizophrenic in front of them. Jack stopped, he knew this wasn’t helping anyone, and getting locked up in the mental asylum wasn’t going to help him crack this case. He was nearing the ex-boyfriend’s house anyway.

Jack parked the car outside the kerb of the house. There wasn’t anything out of the ordinary from looking outside the house. The garden was neat and tidy, and appeared to have been mowed recently. The house was a two-storey, and the door appeared to be made from oak timber. Jack knocked on the door and waited outside for a few moments. A car was parked outside the house, which was a blue Peugeot, so it looked improbable that he wasn’t home. Jack knocked on the door a few more times, before the door finally swung open. A man stood outside, wearing a striped t-shirt and denim jeans. He clearly did not look pleased to see Jack standing outside his door. “Does a James Stewart live in this house?”, Jack asked politely. “You’re talking to him, genius. Who are you and why are you here?” “I will get straight to the point then. My name is Jack Rosenfeld, I’m a private detective in the area. I’m investigating the homicide of a Samantha Jones. I believe you were her ex-boyfriend. Is that correct?” James froze. He was paralyzed with what he just heard. Samantha was dead? This couldn’t be true. He had messaged her last night. She saw the message, but the bitch was too heartless to give her a reply? “Sam’s dead? Oh god no...” “I am sorry sir, she is believed to have been murdered by a known serial killer in the area” “You mean The Bloody Angel? Jesus fucking Christ… Why her? Why did that fucking bastard have to take her?!” James said this in agony and lamentation. He was obviously distraught at her death. “I do not know sir; however, you could help me by telling me what you know. Anything that gives me a lead to the whereabouts of our killer could be crucial in an investigation. Do you know if she had any enemies or anyone who could’ve reached out to this serial killer?” “Christ, are you telling me this bastard is a hired hitman?” “Some of his kills have been hired hits, yes, so it is possible someone could’ve reached out to him? Do you know anyone who would do this?” James stopped to think for a moment. Samantha was well liked in the town, her business made great strides over the years, and she had made many business friends over the years who spoke highly of her. None of these people would’ve wanted to kill her, right?
“Ok look, there is one thing. You know of Samantha’s business, yes?” “Her “business”? What business was that?” James sighed “It was a prostitution ring. Legal prostitution ring. She had clients work for her to give these adults what they wanted. Whatever they did when the client paid up, well, that was their business. The only rule was they weren’t allowed to beat the strippers up, be bad for business if they looked damaged. A few days ago, she decides to start dating one of these girls. So, I’m really fucking pissed at her and in an attempt to get back at her, I fuck one of these girls and send a picture to her. And she comes back, all high and fucking mighty about how she’s been faithful to me and then breaks it up.” “So that’s why you sent her that message?” “Yeah, that’s why. I ain’t proud of what I did. Hell, if I didn’t do it maybe she’d be still alive. But that girl she was dating, I reckon she was using her to take advantage of that girl’s money and desperation.” “Sounds like I should pay this strip club a visit.” “Here, let me give you the address” The man took out a notebook and scribbled an address on one of the slips of paper “Listen, Jack, if you find this guy, do me a favour and whack the chump. Scum like him doesn’t deserve to be on this Earth.” “Believe me, I want to kill this bastard. But it will be far more satisfying if he is put behind bars. I bid you good day.” Jack returned to his car. He wasn’t sure who was worse, Samantha or James. Samantha owned a prostitution ring? Legal or not, who would want to be part of such a shady business? And James decided to have sex with one of her girls as revenge for what his girlfriend was doing? The whole relationship seemed too odd for even Jack to try and understand. His phone bleeped. It was Eleanor.
“Oh fuck.” He thought to himself “I was supposed to meet her for dinner later.” Speeding back home, he put on more appropriate attire for dinner and in a rare occurrence, took a shower.
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Ef9 o shea
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Not bad kev

Only criticism i have is that the chapters are really short
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Thanks very much was writing it on a Word Document and it said the total length was about 11 pages its gonna be a short story so I'm only planning on it going 100+ as well. Have to go back now and write more lol
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Ef9 o shea
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No worries man best of luck
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After writing up the next chapter in this story, gimme a shout on what you think!

Chapter 4
9:30 P.M. The sun’s light began to fade under the hill facing Jack’s house, leaving a remarkable orange glow that beamed across the blinds of Jack’s windows. He had dressed suitably for the occasion, wearing a freshly pressed suit and tie, which was the only piece in his wardrobe he ever bothered to iron and fold properly. Jack hated waiting for people. He believed in adhering to exact times, and not being a second too late or too early. He believed that if someone told them that they we’re arriving at nine in the morning, then there should be no excuse for coming five minutes late. In this instance, Eleanor had messaged Jack that she would arrive at a quarter past nine, and was now fifteen minutes late. Jack however, decided to suffer the wait.

She arrived at the door. She knew she had let Jack down. He hated being made wait. She was certain of how much shit she was going to get from him for having made him go through the torment of waiting for fifteen minutes. She bit her lip and opened the door, and was surprised to see him smiling at her.

He looked at her and was stunned. She was gorgeous. Her tights were made from silk and she was wearing black high heels. Her mini skirt perfectly matched her black dress. All in all, she looked stunning. Eleanor was unable to stop laughing at Jack’s beaming face, almost as if he was transfixed in looking at her. He came to his senses, then pointed a finger at her and said “You’re late.”. “Yes Jack, I am so sorry that I had to make you wait for fifteen minutes. Oh no, fifteen minutes wasted of your life, whatever shall you do?” she said in a mocking tone, almost like she was trying to mock his voice, albeit it sounded absolutely nothing like him. Jack started laughing at her pathetic attempt of mocking his voice, then taking her arm, led her to his car.

The restaurant Jack had chosen was exceptionally fancy. This was well above the pay grade of any cop. Jack was relieved that his boss had been kind enough to send him some money last night. He had heard the story from him about what happened, over many whiskey’s and a late night. He had promised Jack he wouldn’t say a word about what happened if he would take her out to the best restaurant he knew. Asides, it would make for a good first date. A twinge of guilt came over Jack’s face. He knew that one day he was going to have to tell her how exactly he came to know Eleanor. He dreaded that day.

Seb looked at his kitchen knife. A knife to him was the best item you could hold in your hand. He loved holding the edge of it, feeling the sharp edge of the blade with his fingers. He looked down at the piece of meat that was lying on the ground. His fellow chefs knew he was a good cook, but they were almost shocked at the way he cut the meat. It was barbaric, almost as if he was practicing to kill someone with the knife. Seb always enjoyed this moment. He loved putting the knife onto the piece of meat and neatly cutting and dissecting the pieces away. He was ready to enjoy his evening ritual, when something stopped him dead in his tracks. Jack. He saw him. With her, sitting down in the table ready to eat whatever he prepared for them. Seb was pissed. He could just walk right in to his kitchen, no repercussions. And then to go out with the girl who he tried to kill? It was almost like Jack was trying to fucking taunt him. Seb wasn’t standing for this. The kitchen tonight was low on chefs. He had to make a point to this piece of shit that he was on his turf. The guy working next to him was a real piece of shit anyway. He always tried to sneer and jest at Seb to no end. Seb felt it was time to get his own back. The cooker was quite hot. In fact blue flames were smoking out of it. Seb wondered what the chef’s final thoughts were as he put his head face down on the cooker. The man screamed intensely. It was merciful that the kitchen unit was far away from the dining room, otherwise his screams would’ve been clearly heard. The man’s scream eventually turned to gurgles, as he fell to the ground, his face unrecognisable from what it once was. Seb was ready to send Jack a message. Grabbing his kitchen knife, he stabbed the dead man so many times that a bucket of blood could’ve been made. It would suffice. The knife made for an effective paintbrush. Satisfied with the message he made, he left the kitchen in a hurry. The waitress for the night came in momentarily after he left, and soon afterwards another scream could be heard.

Jack heard the scream from the waitress. Jumping out of his desk, he made his way to the kitchen to see what the waitress was screaming about. He was amazed to see that no chefs were about at all. The waitress was clearly distressed, so Jack tried to calm her down “Miss please, I am a detective, I need to see what happened”. The waitress stepped aside. The body of a dead chef, appearing to be stabbed to death, lay on the ground, surrounded in a huge pool of blood. Jack told the waitress to call the police and to tell all the guests to leave the restaurant immediately. He almost didn’t notice the message left for him…

It didn’t take long for Jack to figure out who had written him the message. Jack was ready to throw every fucking pan in this kitchen. How was he so blind to not notice him, in plain view of everyone. But that’s when Jack realised something. None of this matched his usual MO. There was no careful planning, he didn’t kill a woman, and he left in a massive hurry. He also didn’t even kill the man in his usual way. Inspecting his face, he could see the poor man had been burnt to death by the pressure cooker. Only one thought was clear to Jack, he had just gotten under the skin of Seb. That, strangely, felt good.
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